Loser

Loser (Photo credit: jugbo)

I get a lot of love and hate mail due to things I have written on this blog.   My critics come from every direction imaginable from angry males calling me a man-hating shrew to virulent feminists claiming I am eroding the women’s movement.  I find all of this venom ironic since I average a little over 100 readers a day.  Not that bad for a total unknown blogger, but there are blogs out there that get a lot more traffic than this one.  Men often take umbrage with my articles, and I can understand their frustration.  I write from a woman’s perspective and I have repeatedly explained to many of my detractors that since I am female, I cannot write from a male’s perspective.  If men want to read about other the dating lives of males, they should read a blog written by someone with a penis.  I simply cannot write from an experience I know nothing about.

That being said I openly admit that I frequently make fun of the online dating profiles of men I find on dating websites.  I mock poorly written or pretentious self summaries on my Facebook page, in my stand-up routines and on this blog.  My regular readers like it when I point out the absurdity and arrogance of some of the men I encounter online.  I make no apologizes for it.  I do however go out of my way to protect the identity of anyone I ridicule.   I never include photos or even screen names.  My intent is not to make personal attacks or to public humiliate a man who might not have an inkling on how to write effectively on a dating website.  I have also tried to help men in their quest for love online.  Since I have scrolled through hundreds of profiles, I know what turns most women off.  In my articles Online Dating: Why you get ignored, and Dating in NYC: What to Not do on a First or Second Date I am honestly trying to help men not make the same mistakes I have seen time and time again.I completely agree with the creators of The Nice Guys of OKCupid up until a point.  Most of the men featured on their blog are clueless and have negative views about women.  However the crime of writing a poorly written dating profile should not subject anyone to public shaming.  I have no problem with poking fun at the grandiosity, rudeness or misogyny on any profile.  The Nice Guys of OKCupid crosses the line by attaching images to the poorly written content.  Now these men are no longer anonymous, any number of friends, relatives or co-workers can see personal information that was not meant for all the world to see.  Anyone could easily fabricate a dating profile and submit it to the site, in order to humiliate someone.  There is no way of authenticating if any of the information posted is actually accurate.

We all put ourselves out there when we sign up for a free online dating profile.   Vulnerability is not easy for anyone, especially men that might have limited social skills.  When we bare our souls looking for a possible mate, we also open ourselves up to the darker sides of someone’s psyche.  I have gotten pure hate from total strangers on dating sites.  I am not sure why, but now and then some man decides he needs to send me insulting or disgustingly perverted emails.   There is no joy in making myself open to this kind of negative behavior.   It makes me cringe when men I know tell me they stumbled upon my profile while browsing, or that I came up as a good match. I would rather not have to resort to putting so much personal information on a site for someone else to dissect, decipher and judge.

The whole thing reminds me of a bully finding a love note written by a total nerd to a popular girl and then plastering a high school with photocopies to humiliate the author. Are the men featured on Nice Guys of OKCupid clueless?  Yes.  But do they deserve public shaming for not understanding women?  No.  Do most men understand women?  Do most women understand men?  I don’t claim to know what is going on in the mind of most men and I would hate to see my own photo/profile in a

  • Women who think they are all that of OKCupid
  • Bitches of OKCupid
  • Cougars of OKCupid
  • Future Old Maids of OKCupid
  • Cat Ladies of OKCupid
  • Annoying Women of OKCupid

Will this public shaming do anything to change the behavior of those featured on the site?  I seriously doubt it.  If anything it will just make the men that much more disillusioned with the gender they already don’t understand.  When a person signs up for an online dating website they don’t sign up for another third-party to exploit them.   OKCupid should get the site taken down.  It is surprising that someone hasn’t already threatened the site with legal action.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with making fun of someone’s words  as long as their identities remain private.  Dating online is hard enough, do we have to make it that much harder?

14 comments on “Dating Online: Nice Guys of OKCupid – Why it’s Horrible

  1. captainscorpio

    I’m not sure I agree. (Incidentally, that’s a real “I’m not sure,” not an “I disagree” in disguise, like people sometimes do, me included.)

    For one thing, the site has recently shut down, and been reopened, apparently by a new owner, so we don’t know what direction it will go in now.

    For another, it wasn’t arbitrarily making fun of men for being fat, or unattractive, or looking shifty (though it did have a weird mad-on for fedoras). It was taking actual things they said in their profile, often juxtaposed over multiple match question answers that seemed to be in conflict (or to indicate a certain context for the profile statements).

    “Will this public shaming do anything to change the behavior of those featured on the site? I seriously doubt it. If anything it will just make the men that much more disillusioned with the gender they already don’t understand.”

    I’m not sure this is true. In mot cases it won’t, but the nature of the true Nice Guy is that he’s not very reflective. But I can actually imagine some percentage of the population reading the ridicule and getting the incongruity of their claims about themselves.

    Now, it would be nice if there were a place on the site where men could to to rebutt charges, maybe even a support forum for those who want to reform but are unsure how because all they know are their dudebros. I think I’ll make such a suggestion now, in fact.

    1. julietjeske

      Completely disagree with you. None of them signed up for a third party site to mock them. And to be quite frank…you might be next. Anyone could be next on that site. There is no way to prove that any of the men actually wrote what the site claims they wrote, or answered the questions in the way the site claims they answered. It is just mean. Plain unadulterated meanness. As much as I make fun of online dating, I am always extremely general in my humor. I would never single a person out for ridicule in this way. It is just horrible.

      1. julietjeske

        And now we have to rebut charges made on third party websites? That is just ridiculous. The site should be abolished, it is cruel and ridiculous. An ex-girlfriend could just make a phony profile to make fun of their ex and get that plastered up there. What is to stop anyone from doing that?

  2. julietjeske

    I will add that one of the most popular posts I have written is the “Why You Get Ignored” article. I think positive change comes from positive energy, not mocking someone. When I mock, and I do just that I don’t single anyone out. Making fun of something general is totally different than saying something like HandlebarMustache73 is a total douche bag look him up and give him hell. That is unethical, and I would hate for anyone to do it to me. It is that simple.

  3. Angel Villagomez

    Their identities do remain private though. Sure, the website posted pictures, but 1) these are public pictures anybody can see, and 2) we still don’t know their names or even their usernames. Sure, people may recognize them, but then, people might have recognized them on OKCupid.

    If NGOKC were just a Tumblr that just posted quotes, it wouldn’t have had the same impact it did, and it wouldn’t have sparked the same dialog it has.

    If the nerdy girl had filled her note with bigotry, bigotry that’s quite prevalent among the school, then the analogy would work. These men aren’t just hopeless romantics. They’re jerks; they just don’t realize it. Only by calling them out on their jerky behavior will they have a chance to change. They might not anyway, but they definitely won’t if nobody ever tells them.

    1. julietjeske

      Again I disagree because there is no way of knowing if any of the information or quotes that they print are accurate. People make up fake profiles all the time. I have for the purpose of this blog. So what is to stop a woman from trying to humiliate her ex on a site like that? She would probably have photos, and could make a reasonable fake profile that could be convincing enough. And including a photo makes it much more personal. Anyone can be recognized on OKCupid but most women don’t see other women’s profiles, and most men don’t see other men’s profiles. You would only see them if you went out of your way to find anyone of the same gender. Plus, I tend to stick my searches to men who are close to my age and live near me. A site like NGOKC opens this up to everyone on the internet. So it is definitely much less private than being on OKCupid. I have no problem with making fun of their words, but honestly no one signed up for this and since it would be so easy to make a fake profile filled with false answers…I can’t get support it.

      1. Angel Villagomez

        That is a good point. I have seen some examples from OKCupid on other sites that really do look fake (and I hope they are fake because they’re quite insane). Nobody should be falsely accused, but people should be held accountable for their behavior; I’m not sure if there’s a way to do the latter without committing the former.

        Ultimately, I just want the whole Nice Guy behavior to be seen for what it is: manipulative, passive aggressive, and oftentimes misogynistic. Not just for the sake of the women who have to deal with them, but for the guys who just need a kick in the butt to ask themselves, “Wow, am I really being this much of a jerk?”

        1. julietjeske

          I think they could do all of this, without using the guys photos. I have done it on this blog more or less. Adding the photos get them traffic, but some of these guys the worse offense they pulled was answering “Do you think women should be obligated to shave their legs” they answered Yes. Which is rude, but some guys probably wouldn’t even understand a question like that, they just think I like a woman who shaves their legs. They might not realize they are saying ALL women should have to shave their legs. A socially awkward man especially might answer that one wrong, and now here they are on a site publicly ridiculing them. The punishment doesn’t fit the crime. The men aren’t getting a lot of emails, so they will figure it out soon enough. If they have a brain in their head they will ask a female friend to help them re-write it. I think finding your photo on a website mocking your dating profile could just crush a person, especially if they weren’t popular in school and were in fact socially awkward. Most of the guys on the site are unattractive and look like exactly the type of guys that don’t get a lot of dates. A braggart muscle bound type probably wouldn’t care if they were on a site like this. Some poor nerdy guy…OUCH.

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  8. Casey Vidgen

    I stopped using okc a few weeks ago after one too many awkward dates lol. My coworker showed me cliqie.com and I’m a big fan of that over the others in terms of actually meeting people vs. just entertainment. It has a different approach that feels less sketchy cause you and your friends essentially act as “wingmen”. I like that it helps you find things to do too. Skout’s okay too, but still has it’s fair share of creepers

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