Texting

Texting (Photo credit: Joi)

One particular dating archetype that I have heard a lot about lately is Mr. Spontaneous.  I am sure there are women who do this sort of thing, but it is especially a problem with men in New York City.  Mr. Spontaneous is the #1 complaint that I hear from women about dating in the Big Apple.  What defines a Mr. Spontaneous?

  • Text – Late at night – Only on weekends – Expect you to come to their location
  • Refuses or avoids making plans ahead of time
  • When the tables are turned they will not drop everything to see you on a moment’s notice

Most men who do this will claim they are simply living in the moment or being spontaneous.  What they are really saying though is that you aren’t worth even a modicum of pre-planning or respect.  You are a girl on call, probably one of many, ready willing and able to drop whatever you are doing to come over on his terms.   If you already have established a mutually beneficial relationship of late-night, last-minute hook-ups that is one thing.  But if a man is pursuing you, and you don’t have boundaries established, it is extremely rude behavior.  It is not living life in the moment, or being spontaneous, it is just inconsiderate.

A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself

“Would I do this to a friend?” or “Would a friend treat me like this?”

If the answer is no, don’t put up with it from some random guy.  Would you text a friend at 1:30 at night to come meet you at a bar?  Perhaps, but it would probably be someone you know extremely well.  You know they will be awake at that hour, and maybe you have met them for late night drinks before.  If this man is new to your life, he should not be treating you like an unpaid prostitute.  Of course there is nothing wrong with taking the bait and meeting someone for a late-night sex session. Chances are though, the minute you allow this type of treatment, things will not improve.   If you want a no-strings attached sexual relationship, he should at least do the same for you.  You should be able to text him at 2 am and expect him to come flying over.  If he doesn’t drop him like a hot rock and don’t look back.

I really loathe the ridiculous dating guide “The Rules” as it sets up rigid guidelines about when a man should call and exactly how a woman should react to his advances.  I don’t believe anyone should live according to such an exact standard, and some of their advice encourages emotional manipulation .  However, I do think the authors do make a valid point; any man who doesn’t give some notice for a date is not worth your time.

Another sign that you aren’t being taken seriously are the following:

  • He needs a date for a social engagement – He has no interest in seeing you otherwise
  • Doesn’t want you to meet his friends, or meet your friends – Only wants you to come to their place when it is convenient for him
  • Only wants you to attend shows, gallery openings, band performances – Wants a groupie not a date
  • Put zero effort in seeing you on your terms
  • Has no interest in getting to know you better – He asks few personal questions about you.
  • He tells you very little about himself
  • Never move beyond text messages or email in communication – Phone calls are too personal

No woman should expect an instant boyfriend or partner, nor is that a healthy thing to desire.  Every relationship builds at its own pace and neither partner should rush into anything.  You shouldn’t expect everything at once, but you should also not feel disrespected.  If the shady behavior goes on for an extended period of time, there is a reason he is not letting you in.  You are simply a sexual plaything and you will never be seen as anything more.  If you are wanting more of a connection, allowing a man to treat you poorly is not going to get you anywhere.

3 comments on “Dating in New York: Mr. Spontaneous

  1. Pingback: Dating In New York: Anatomy of a Hook-up | julietjeske

  2. Pingback: Dating in NYC: The Cool Detachment | julietjeske

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