New York City

Dating in New York: A Reformed Man Whore

Date: December 19, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: Leave a reply
42-17843858

42-17843858 (Photo credit: kedai-lelaki)

A good friend of mine recently confided in me his frustration with his man whore lifestyle.  It seems he was now back with his on and off again girlfriend of several years.  I don’t want to reveal his identity so I will leave out a lot of specifics.  After a little back and forth he basically said,  “I really have to get over being a man-whore, I am trying to work things out.”

To which I replied, “Look you aren’t 25 years old, there is only so long you are going to be able to pull off the man whore thing.  You don’t make a ton of money, you aren’t drop dead gorgeous and even if you were, your looks will fade anyway.  Don’t be an idiot.  Try to make this work.  You don’t know until you have lived without it, how painful it is to live without love.  You guys obviously care for each other or you wouldn’t end up back together all the time.  For me it has been over three years, and it feels like I am slowly dying.”

Sex is easy.  Love is hard.  Part of the reason I don’t really get into the hook-up culture is that for most women having casual sexual affairs is like shooting fish in a barrel.  It is simply too easy.  If I want no-strings attached sex from a man I can get it, any night of the week.  The sex might be dull, and the partners unexceptional, but if I just want sex, it is never a problem.  Sexual dynamics have never been equal for men and women.  There are some rare men that are so physically beautiful, charming or wealthy that they have a high success rate with the opposite sex but for the vast majority of men, the hook-up game is much more difficult.

But even when getting sex is easy, it doesn’t always work out.  My last hook-up was a total comedy routine.  It should have been fine.  The man aggressively pursued me at a bar.  He was much younger, didn’t live in New York City and once I relented we both had clear cut expectations.  But he also didn’t realize he was allergic to cats…and since I live with two gorgeous felines…it was all over before it really began.  So much for my New York wild single life.  I tried to warn him before we got here…anyway.

Every time I try these scenarios, I am left wanting more.  It feels kind of like eating a cookie when I am really famished for a meal.  The decadent treat might temporarily satisfy but it does nothing for my deeper hunger.  Plus none of us can survive on a diet of just sweets.   As I tried to point out to my friend, his man whore lifestyle is only sustainable for so many years.  An aging millionaire rock star can still get a 25-year-old when he is in his sixties, a wealthy banker might have a trophy wife and a bevy of mistresses on the side.  For most of us, we get old, we don’t look as hot and we don’t have the economic resources to attract as many partners.  Before we know it we are at the age where we might end up permanently alone.  As I told my friend in my usual overly blunt way,

“Look dude do you want to end up with the kind of woman who would date a poor musician who screwed around for most of his life?  Or do you want to be a man and work at a relationship with a woman who you love, and who loves you.  She doesn’t care that you are don’t make a lot of money, she loves you anyway as you are now…don’t be an idiot.”

Fear of being alone shouldn’t be the primary factor in any relationship, but like I pointed out these two actually do have a strong emotional connection.   My friend is just being neurotic that somehow he might be happier if he is chasing every woman in New York City.  He knows it isn’t true, but being self-destructive leaves him torn between what is good for him, and what feels good in the moment.

I have had to condition myself to live without a partner in my life, and it has been extremely difficult for me.  Even before my marriage I was always a serial monogamist.   Casually dating multiple partners feels like another game entirely and one that I am not very good at playing.  I have dreadful dating skills.  I am nervous, insecure, blather on and reveal way too much.  Avoiding discussing my divorce is especially difficult since my marriage was such a huge part of my adult life.  I simply don’t have the skill set, I was just half of a couple for too long.   I can live by myself and be perfectly happy, but I don’t want to live like this forever.

I honestly hope my would be reformed man whore heeds my advice.  From my perspective he is incredibly lucky to have a woman who will keep trying to make something work with him.  Chasing the next best thing could lead him down a dead-end path with no way out.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating Online: The Liar – A Hall of Famer!

Date: December 9, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Hall of Fame, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 15 Replies

pants-on-fire

I am launching a new category on this blog: The Hall of Fame.   Anyone I place in the online dating Hall of Fame will be a person who expresses the most extreme traits of an already established archetype.  To protect this man’s identity  for the purposes of this article I will simply call him, “The Pretty Boy”.

It started out innocently enough.  Tired of my inbox filling up with 22-25 year olds trolling for cougars, and geriatric men who lie about their age, I did a quick match search.  My query was simple, men who live in New York City ages 32-47.  After scrolling through dozens of profiles I ended up emailing exactly two men.  One was an extremely attractive man, almost too pretty for my taste.  Most of his photos were professionally done, and he had one shot of himself holding a guitar in front of a large crowd of what looked like several thousand people.  The caption read “I was a rock star…about 10 years ago”

This photo was the first red flag. I questioned why he would put something like that on his profile.  I also wondered if this man might be promiscuous; as the lifestyle of most professional musicians isn’t exactly one of steadfast fidelity.  My roommate looked at his photos and said immediately.

“He is probably gay, he is way too pretty to be straight”

I disagreed as I have met many pretty straight men.  I was more concerned with, “How could a man this good-looking really have much of a problem getting a date, especially if he was a rock star at some point in his life?”

I have come across many extremely attractive people on dating websites.  However this man was model good-looking.  He was gorgeous, and that is rare on dating sites.  I wasn’t really interested as I am really attracted to bookish nerdy guys or artistic types; but, his profile was so over the top I felt compelled to contact him.

I sent him a brief one sentence asking him for a “drink or something”, to which Pretty Boy responded.

“When you said ‘or something’ did you mean sky diving?  Or a book reading? Something a bit more exciting?”

I found his response rather annoying.  Here I was a total stranger sticking my neck out to ask him out and he is scolding me for not being bold enough in my request.  So I responded…

“No actually I meant just coffee.  I would hate to ruin an experience like sky diving with a total stranger, not to mention it is rather expensive.  If we went to a book reading we wouldn’t get a chance to talk much and well…you are a total stranger so it is better to actually get to know you”

And then the first shoe dropped and I get this response.

“Well I would love to meet for coffee but I actually live in Los Angeles but I will be moving to New York soon…so that is why I have New York on my profile.  I will be in town on Dec. 10th if you want to hang.”

I wish I could say this is the first time I found an inaccurate profile, but unfortunately a lot of guys lie about living in New York.  I guess we New York gals have a bit of a reputation for being fabulous.  I have no idea.  I should have just walked away; but, for reasons I don’t understand, I shot back

“Hey man if you live in LA you should say you live in LA.  And if you are moving here soon, maybe you should focus on moving here before you try to date anyone.  If that is what you are looking for, I am not sure.  Anyway good luck to you, New York is a really difficult city to date in.  I wrote an article about it, trust me it is hell.”

And because I thought this would be the end of the conversation I sent him a link to my #1 hit as it were, “Dating After Divorce in a City of Sluts.”  I have no idea why I did this.  I had never done it before.  I guess I meant it as a nice parting gesture.  I was just trying to give him my perspective on dating in this city. I just forgot how opinionated and worked up people got about that article.

About twenty minutes later I get this long rambling response written mostly in text speech with the letter “u” substituting for the word “you” and some of the worst grammar and spelling I have ever seen in my life.  I would have just ignored it but his tone set me off.  The line that pushed me over the edge “I disagree with the very notion of writing about it in the first place.”

Plenty of people disagree with me, and I don’t mind a healthy debate.  However telling me I shouldn’t write about any subject was incredibly disrespectful and insulting.  It was also incredibly difficult to respect his opinion since he couldn’t write in complete sentences, spell simple words or even make his opinions clear.  My writing is not perfect, but his writing was simply abominable.

I will paraphrase as our correspondence got somewhat heated and long-winded.  My first tactic was to  defend my article.

“Look you may not agree with me, but I have every right to write about whatever I want.  This is my personal experience so you may disagree with my point of view, but I wrote it from the heart.  I got hundreds of new followers on twitter, it was shared thousands of times on the internet, and I even did interviews based on the article.  So you may not agree with me but a lot of people did.  I am not bashing men as this is a universal problem.   As I stated in the article: women, men and people of every sexual orientation and gender identification deal with this predicament”

His next response is when things really got weird.  As he took my attempt at defending my piece as me bragging about my accomplishments.  His response was to try to out-brag me…again paraphrasing for length.

“Look I have sold millions of records, I have been on TV, was voted one of the most beautiful people in the world and I have been married for 15 years I am just on a hiatus and I have four children”

Well this is news now isn’t it?  He hadn’t indicated on his profile that he was MARRIED, nor that he had FOUR CHILDREN!  I was floored, and kept reading. He may have not realized the verb tenses he used but the words “have been married for 15 years” implied he is still married.  Also the use of the word “hiatus” made me feel he was not even legally separated much less divorced. He went on,

“And because of all of this, I have had a lot of experience with women…all over the world”

And I started doing the math in my head.  So if he is 38 and married for 15 years, and is probably still married…if he was screwing a bunch of women 10 years ago when he was in a band, then he was cheating on his wife.  Wow, this man was a catch.

“And so what about your article who cares?  I also know I am attractive.  Why?  Because thousands of people have told me so.  Including millions of readers in a certain popular magazine that called me one of the most beautiful people in the world.”

At this point I started cackling.  Yes this man was attractive, but obviously he had put a lot of his self-worth into what he looked like as I had not brought up his physical appearance.  I realized he misunderstood my defense of my article.  I wasn’t actually trying to brag, just point out that yes my piece was controversial but plenty of people loved it.  Now it seemed he was hoping that I would rue the day that I had snubbed him.  After all he was one of America’s Most Beautiful people, a fact he mentioned twice in his rant. If he only knew how many other pompous beautiful men I have turned down over the years.  I finally ended this madness and wrote.

“Well if you are so famous and attractive, then why have you resorted to online dating to try to meet women?”

And then I blocked him from contacting me.  I was kind of insulting myself  and everyone else on dating website when I wrote that.  I didn’t mean to diss everyone on a dating website as plenty of people find love online.  I just thought it was funny that this man who kept bragging about how he was so beautiful, had appeared on television and sold millions of records was trying to find a date on a free dating website.

I WILL NOT reveal this man’s identity on this blog but after a fairly quick google search I found out he had what looked like one big hit and a couple minor hits about a decade ago.  I didn’t recognize him or his musical partner, nor had I ever heard any of their music.  It was bland light pop and I am sure they had a loyal following for a brief time.

I have been on and off OKCupid now for over two years and I have never found a profile that proved to be so blatantly fraudulent.  He had no mention of children, still being married or living in a totally different city.  He tried to defend his actions by saying he was only looking for “friends and activity partners”.  That was the only honest thing he had written, but  I can’t imagine his wife would be overjoyed if she found his profile.  This was the ultimate liar, and from the looks of his ranting a fairly insecure liar.  Perhaps he should try to find some groupies who might still be starstruck.  He will learn soon enough, most New York women won’t give a damn that a popular magazine called him a beautiful person.  If he wants casual sexual encounters he will have no problem getting them, he just shouldn’t pretend he would rather go skydiving instead.  Had he been honest from the start, he would have saved us both a lot of trouble.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating in NYC: The Snob

Date: October 26, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, New York City, Relationships
Comments: 7 Replies

We have all been on a date with a person like this.  No matter what you say, or what you have accomplished in life, to a snob, it won’t be good enough.  Who is the snob?  And why are there so many of them in New York City.  I am going to use a male example here as that is my personal experience, but I know that this category especially has no gender specific qualifications.  The snob can also just as easily be a woman as a man.

The Snob

  • Any Age
  • Profession – Something high-profile – they have done press, interviews, written books, etc.
  • Advanced Degrees or Ivy League degrees
  • Enjoy hobbies and sports average Americans know nothing about – i.e. Squash, Polo, Sailing
  • Few live in Brooklyn or Queens and if they do this fact is a source of embarrassment  (Park Slope exception)
  • They have well-connected friends, constantly name drop
  • Brag about accomplishments
  • Blather on about expensive travel all over the world
  • Best paired with other snobs

A typical date with a snob will feel more like a job interview than anything romantic or fun.  They will judge where you live, what you do for a living, your background, where you grew up, the amount you have traveled and even your ethnicity.  Some snobs like the idea of “trolling”: going out with someone they believe far beneath them.  You have to watch out, because a snob will never really respect you or what you do.  You might just be another eccentric accessory he can show off to his friends.

Probably the biggest indicator of acceptance by a snob is education.  According to the most recent census, the percentage of Americans with college degrees is at an all time high of 30%.  So even though you may have had to work two jobs while getting your diploma and might have had to resort to a combination of college loans, the Pell grant and scholarships to go to school none of this will impress the snob.  If you don’t at least have a masters degree, or some type of ivy league affiliation you are simply not good enough.  Even though with a BA you are still doing better than 2/3 of the general population.

One snob that I had the displeasure of going out boasted of the extremely prestigious school of Oxford on his dating profile and his Facebook page.  Although in reality, he had only gone to Oxford for one year before he dropped out of a masters program.  His BA from an Ivy League institution and perfect grade point average is not enough, so he brags about a school he couldn’t hack.

I had another date where the man kept grilling me over my “life plan”.  I tried my best to answer him but other than working on my memoir and getting on stage as much as possible I don’t really have specific life goals.  Perhaps I should, but most of my energy is spent just trying to survive each month.  The whole experience just made me feel like I was defending my life, and every choice that I had made up until that point.  Never mind that I just went through a devastating divorce, have worked in an artistic profession for the past decade, and come from a blue-collar background.  This person ignored the success of this blog, the press that I have done for my articles on the Huffington Post and the huge body of work I have done on stage.  Needless to say the date made me feel crushed and about an inch tall.

Why are so many men like this in New York City?  My bet it is just insecurity on their part.  They may have worked extremely hard for all that they have accomplished and worry that if they date anyone beneath their status that it will somehow lower theirs.  What they fail to realize is that most of us work extremely hard at what we do, but we don’t all come from privileged or even middle class backgrounds.  Race, gender and socioeconomic factors are all at work against many of us, despite out best efforts.  The workforce is not exactly an even playing field.

A snob also might believe that their advanced degrees and their overflowing bookcases actually make them a superior person, someone society should value greater than a humble janitor or preschool teacher.  No one will ever live up to their standard, because they don’t live up to their own.  A snob is most critical of themselves than they are anyone else.  Their projection of arrogance towards you is just a symptom of their own feelings of inadequacy.  A person who was truly happy with their lives would never waste energy looking down on others.

Snobs exist everywhere but are especially a problem in New York City because of the many elite colleges on this little island, and the cultural and financial makeup of its residents.  As the city attracts the best and brightest many view significant others as an extension of what they have accomplished.  It is not enough to a snob that you are intelligent, well read, beautiful, young, creative, in amazing shape, have a great sense of humor, have a kind heart, or an open-mind. In addition to any number of positive qualities you must also have a résumé that rivals theirs.

So if you see the signs of someone who doesn’t think you are good enough for them…BOLT.  Try to find the inner strength to get up and walk out.  Point out to this person that they are being a jerk.  I can’t write how many times I have wanted to tell one of these jokers off and haven’t.   No person is better than any other, the distinction only lives inside their mind.  Don’t put up with it, just get back on that saddle and try to find someone who will appreciate you for all that you are.  The snob can sit and wait for Mr. or Mrs. Perfect.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating After Divorce: He’s Just Not that into You…no really he is just not that into you.

Date: September 20, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Gay Husband, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 7 Replies
Cover of "He's Just Not That Into You: Th...

Cover via Amazon

After I left my marriage emotionally scarred and damaged, I have discovered that I am the world’s worst dater.  No really…I am the world’s worst dater.  I am terrible at it.  I talk too much, reveal too much, ramble on and on…and I think I come across as a neurotic idiot.  No, make that a desperate neurotic idiot.  If I am not into a guy I get bored and can’t really hide it, I stop asking him questions and just blather on about any nonsense.  Somehow my brain tells me if I just keep going then maybe something will click, when instead I should just make up an excuse and get out of the situation.  If a man is rude or insulting to me, I don’t think to just get up and leave, even though there were many times when I should have done just that.  And on those rare occasions someone sparks my interest, all I can think of is

“Please like me…please don’t think I am a weirdo…please don’t run away”

And call me crazy, but I think my inner monologue might be projecting…because so far the ones I seem to fancy…run away.

In my never-ending search for dating advice I turn to self-help books.  Books have always been my go-to when I need information about anything.  I own a couple hundred books on various subjects and have an entire shelf dedicated to the subject of “DATING”

One best-selling tome promotes a simple premise “He’s Just Not that Into You” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.  From what I know of the back story, a male comedian and writer came up with the premise for an episode of “Sex in the City“.  The episode was so popular that the concept transformed into a book and then a movie.  Millions in sales later it remains as a classic for women to turn to when we get so damn confused by men.

The wisdom contained in the book is simple

  • Men really aren’t that complicated
  • If a man wants you, he will stop at nothing to get you.
  • Don’t chase a man, or pursue them
  • Don’t waste the pretty if a man is treating you badly don’t put up with it.
  • If a man doesn’t want to commit, cut him off, don’t look back
  • There are quality men out there, but it may take a while to find one.

All of this is great advice and will help any woman to stop obsessing about every little move a man makes.  It also helps women to stop giving inconsiderate men second and third chances.

This is all great medicine, but like any medicine it comes with some side effects.  For instance, I have desperately tried to live by its ideals but I rarely go on second or third dates…I am starting to believe that “No one will ever be into you”  I have had to deal with…

  • Men I barely know try to booty call me even though I gave them no indication that I would be game for that
  • Ignored text messages, emails and phone calls
  • I have sent invites to my shows – only to have them ignored
  • Dated men that rarely if ever gave me a compliment
  • Been blown off completely – countless times
  • One man decided an ex-girlfriend was more important to follow on twitter than I was, even though he was emailing me every day…for months.

So when I apply the “He’s just not that into you” philosophy it leads me to the conclusion

  • There is something wrong with me
  • Who marries a gay clown? – A freak does
  • I repel men
  • I am a total weirdo and no one wants to stick around
  • I am a liability or an emotional wreck
  • They saw your blog, videos or stand-up and have decided your are not dating material

These are irrational fears that swirl about in my head, completely untrue but persistent nonetheless.  The more I seem to stick my neck out in the dating pool of sharks, the more I seem to get bitten.  I have honestly given up trying to figure this out, and I think I am finally done with online dating.  We are after all commodities on any dating site, and any potential suitor might think they can always find a shinier less damaged version out there.  I have had friends find the loves of their lives on online dating websites but whatever reason most of my dates end in tears.  If not immediately afterward I usually end up crying days later when I realize I am not going to hear from the guy.  Either I walk away somewhat disgusted or discouraged by the men that I meet or become crushed when I thought there was a connection and then I never hear from the guy again.  I have met some lovely men who were nice but I didn’t have any chemistry with or felt were more compatible as friends, but then that happens to everyone now doesn’t it.

I think I am going to throw the books away, get off the dating sites and hope that the universe releases me from this undeserved penance.  In a fit of self-protection I can feel a thick emotional callous forming around my heart and I don’t like it.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating in NYC: The Pepe Le Pew Syndrome

Date: September 4, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized, Women and Feminism
Comments: 9 Replies

Pepe Le Pew, the classic Looney Toones character is a love struck skunk and hopeless romantic.   In every episode he is featured, Le Pew incorrectly believes that a female black and white cat is actually another skunk and pursues her with vigor.  No obstacle is too great for Le Pew as he confidentially skips along after his chosen mate espousing his affection as he does so.  In some episodes the pursued cat might drink a love potion and a turnaround occurs.  The cat becomes enamored with Le Pew and now the skunk is running away as if his life depended on it.  The dreaded turnaround, just when the skunk gets his prey he decides he doesn’t want it anymore.

I have lived this very experience and heard countless stories from female friends who have gone through the exact same thing.  I have never encountered a love-sick skunk, nor am I a cat mistaken for a skunk, but I have dealt with many men who have played out this exact scenario.

A guy will become mildly infatuated with a woman and do anything to get her to go out with him.  Countless text messages, emails, instant messages and phone calls all to win her heart.   Although as soon as the man has the woman literally in his grasp he becomes disillusioned.  She is not the fantasy he had is his head, she is not fulfilling his every emotional and physical need and on top of it this same woman has emotional needs of her own and multiple flaws.  Soon after he has his conquest the turnaround begins.  The same man who was never too busy to send countless emails all day long, and text messages is suddenly busy.  He won’t return calls, he won’t answer emails and he would never think to text.  By now the woman may have become attached and just wonders what the hell happened.

Women call it the classic male “freak out”.   Countless dating advice books tell women to manipulate men to prevent this from happening.  Personally I hate manipulation, partly because I am downright terrible at it, and it just seems like one big constant lie.  And do I really want to “trick” someone into sticking around with me, by constantly making him feel that I have one foot out the door at all times?

I have sat down with my straight male friends to try to figure this out and I get answers like:

“Well sometimes you don’t really know until you know”

“I just get excited by the chase but once I have a girl, I don’t know something happens”

“I don’t know why I do it, I just know that I have done it before”

Talking to men about this might seem like a good idea, but it just leaves me more confused.  So now instead of trying to figure out why some men do this, I do everything I can to prevent it from happening in the first place.  There is a fine line between the genuine real excitement of a brand new budding relationship and a false hyped up hysterics of a Pepe Le Pew type.   The red flags to look out for:

  • He says things like “I have never had a blonde girlfriend before” and he hasn’t even met you yet
  • He talks about things way into the future and you barely know him
  • He speaks in blanket statements – you are somehow supposed to make his life complete
  • He says things like – You will keep me sober – Indicating that you will somehow save him from himself.
  • He is so insecure about your first date so he will call, then email and then send you a text to make sure you are coming
  • He speaks about you as if you are an object – talks more about your physical attributes, hair color, height, weight, etc. than your personality or who you are as a person
  • In general if he is acting head over heels and you haven’t yet met, that is a huge warning sign that he has already idealized you in his head.

Sometimes I feel more like a trophy than an actual human being, as if the man is more excited about showing me off to his friends than he is actually spending time with me.  I have written on this blog so many times before, when something seems too good to be true, or you gut instinct is telling you to bolt, trust that instinct.  Proceed with caution,  don’t get too involved with a man like this until you feel that his feelings are coming from a real place and not some fantasy in his head.  But if this does happen to you, don’t beat yourself up about it.  It seems to happen to all women.  I don’t know why women appear more enticing to men when they can’t have us, but there are things about the male psyche that I will never understand.  Don’t let his temporary excitement sweep you off your feet just so you can later get slammed to the ground when he drops you.   Sure it might feel romantic to have some man move heaven and earth to win us over, but it feels even worse when our love struck skunk turns out to be one scared little mammal who has left us with little more than his lingering scent.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating in NYC: The Cool Detachment

Date: August 3, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Depression, Divorce, New York City, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 8 Replies
Emotion

Emotion (Photo credit: rexquisite)

Since my divorce, I can’t seem to do anything right when it comes to dating.  I try to hard, I don’t try hard enough, I go out too much I stay inside my apartment for days on end, it doesn’t seem to matter.   I have read multiple books on dating, even ones on male psychology and they don’t seem to help.  I have sat down with male friends and tried to get feedback on how their brains work.  I have shared numerous stories with fellow single women all which end in a similar refrain a lot of heartache and disappointment.  I just don’t get this city.  But I think I am starting to figure out the missing element, and it isn’t something that I can grow overnight, nor do I necessarily want to develop.

It’s the cool detachment, the emotional wall, the blase manner, the cavalier treatment of other people like they are hardly worth a moment’s notice.  Detachment is the style of the many tribes in this city.  And I am like tissue paper, desperately trying to suppress emotion and play things off like I don’t care, but I desperately care.  I want what I lost, but the longer I keep looking for it the more it seems like an unattainable goal.   I push down my emotions and smother them as best I can, because the more my emotions show the more they scare everyone away from me.  And yet I still do everything wrong.  I try to play it cool, act as if I couldn’t care less, and I get away with it most of the time.  But then I start to care, not full throttle, just a hint.  I let my guard down for a moment and try to let someone new into my life and the whole thing collapses before it begins.  I don’t know what to do.  I try to do the right thing.  I don’t see the point in going out with someone who is still tortured by his ex-wife, or an ex-girlfriend, so when I meet men like this and I meet many…I politely walk away.  And I won’t go out with someone who is already married or in a relationship, I don’t need that kind of bad karma.  And I would never do to someone else what another did to me.  So I try to allow things to slowly grow and give things space and time but it never works out and I remain alone and broken.

So I hide and try to erase the past decade or so of my life.  I tell myself “Don’t talk about your divorce, don’t talk about your divorce” and it feels like not talking about everything that has completely re-built and shaped me for the past three years.  Don’t talk about your fears, don’t show weakness, don’t show that you actually care or give a damn.  Just play it cool, the others around you are doing it and they are winning.  Well they might not be winning but at least they seem to play the game better than I do.  But I am who I am and that is a fairly emotional person, so it feels like shoving myself into a vice that is pinching me on all sides.  And I see it on the faces of new men that I met, when I was younger it seemed like there was more excitement in the game, now it is everyone trying to out “cool” each other.   Everyone tells me to just be myself and it will all be OK, but when I am myself nothing works out.

How did we get like this?  How is it the only way to successfully date in New York City is to get so jaded and so burned that you just stop showing any passion.  I don’t want to turn into that person, but I honestly have no idea how I can go on like this.  Never more than a couple of dates and the whole thing implodes, and in some cases it just dies without much fanfare at all.  Men fall for the image of me, not my reality – a complicated, damaged and world-weary soul.  But I have survived so much horror and lived to tell about it.  I have nine years of a relationship that went to hell and back and didn’t give up on it until it was obviously beyond hope.  Shouldn’t my loyalty and dedication count for something?  I would be the last person to flippantly leave a relationship over something trivial or the next big thing.  I guess in a city where everyone is replaceable and there is always a newer, younger, shinier version walking down the street, none of this matters.  I sometimes think that the overwhelmingly promiscuous nature of this city comes from people who have just grown so tired of trying for something more and they give in to anything to ease the feeling of loneliness and pain.  And at least a fleeting moment of human contact can smother it, if for a second.  But like any drug used to feed a hunger that it cannot truly contain, more and more is needed until it the fix becomes insatiable and the cycle continues.

So many have called New York an emotional desert and I just keep trying to prove them wrong.  I am not going to become a deadened human being, I refuse to let that happen to me.   And I have to be true to myself, so I will keep hoping that something will change.  At this point I have very little left to keep me going besides hope, so until I meet someone who can put up with Ms. emotional over here, that is my reality.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating After Divorce: Disposable People

Date: July 23, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Depression, Divorce, Gay Husband, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: Leave a reply

The above pair is my favorite pair of shoes on the planet.  Shoes, clothing, perfume, makeup all make me extremely happy.  The above pair I don’t wear often, but every time I step out in these I feel quite happy when they are on my feet.  Right after I got this pair of nearly perfect footwear there was a problem.  The sole of the heel broke off, and I didn’t realize it until I got them home.  The wear and tear of walking around on them like this had begun to grind down the heel.  I took them too my best shoe repair shop and for only $12 were repaired to a condition that was better then when I bought them.  The sole that the repairman placed on the shoes was thicker and stronger than the original.   Since my divorce, subsequent meltdown, massive depression and the recovery that followed I feel a lot like my favorite pair of heels.  Surviving my crisis and the hell that followed it has actually made me stronger as a person and a better potential mate for a partner, but the rest of the world doesn’t always see it that way.

I have written about this topic before in other blog posts.  In another article I called it “The Shiny Penny Syndrome”.  The idea that no matter how nice a partner you have in front of you, there might be something just better around the corner so why bother investing in keeping the partner you already have.   We have an epidemic of this mentality in New York City.  It only gets worse as we age and the older and more world-weary a person become the most banged up and tarnished they might seem to a potential suitor.  From the email and comments I get I have to think it is a common problem throughout the US, especially single people over 35.

I have read numerous articles about men getting so fixated on porn that real women do not measure up to the glorified standard of their virtual lovers.  A porn star is always young, ready willing and able with proportions and assets that few real women posses.  Never mind the porn star cannot actually be touched or embraced, or listen to a man’s problems, comfort him while he is sick or just sit quietly next to him on a sofa watching a movie.  The porn star is always the predictable and controllable.  She won’t call him with her own problems, won’t demand that he go to a party with her friends, won’t beg him away from a game, she won’t have a moody day when she wants time on her own, and she won’t nag him to do the dishes.   A porn star is always convenient, she does everything expected of her and nothing more.

Women also do this, expecting their perfect match to not only be kind, caring, and an amazing lover but also physically fit and taller than average.  The guy has to live close and have a good job, but not one that takes him away or causes him to work 14 hours a day.  He must respond to text messages, phone calls and always be emotionally available but not a wimp or too sensitive that he comes across as feminine.  He must love her friends and all of her interests and hobbies and never even think of straying or even look at other women.  Some women are hoping that the perpetually young, financially stable, quirky but masculine lover from their favorite romantic comedy will just bump into them on the street and change their lives forever.

Of course not every man fixates on idealized porn perfection and not every female wants some wealthy living breathing Ken doll with a stock portfolio to rival Mitt Romney.  But what gives?  Dating since my divorce has just left me feeling like a disposable girlfriend, good for an amount of time, then discarded without too much fanfare.  I have difficultly bonding anyway, so this type of behavior just makes me more wary, and more emotionally distant and distrusting.  Humans are more than the sum of our parts: a nice ass, pretty eyes, a good job or a decent apartment.   Why do we treat each other like this?  Why do I keep hearing stories from friends both male and female that sound the same.  Guy meets girl, gets really excited then drops her like a hot rock because he finds too many “deal breakers”.  Or girl meets guy gets really excited and then drops him when she realizes he isn’t exactly what she was looking for in a partner.

For some people in the dating pool, other human beings are nothing more than an object.  A new person is like a new pair of shoes thrown away when they don’t quite live up to their expectations.  The shoes looked so ideal at first, but once worn the shine is gone and the shoes tossed.   Meanwhile cluttering the universe are thousands of bright, shiny, new shoes that will surely fulfill expectations.  Perhaps it is our “You can have it all” consumerist mentality that is always preaching the gospel of never-ending search for perfection.  Why have a girlfriend with cellulite when you can have one with smooth thighs, never mind that you are 45.  Why have a boyfriend who is losing his hair, or is your exact height when you can date someone who looks like a movie star and runs a hedge fund to boot!

Are we turning into spoiled children who will never be satisfied?  Does our culture run on nothing more than pushing the next big thing down our throats?  And to get us to want more, more, more we have to feel bad about what we already have?  I don’t think we are quite there yet, and I hope we never get there.  After all we are human beings with flaws, dents, hang-ups and emotional baggage…and not just a lousy pair of shoes.

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

The Night a Feminist Fell in Love with Machismo

Date: July 16, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: New York City, Uncategorized
Comments: 1 Reply
D train, led by car #2590, entering Bay Parkwa...

D train, led by car #2590, entering Bay Parkway on the West End Line. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When it comes to living in the big city, I have a bit of a fear problem.  I don’t have a valid driver’s license in part because driving a car freaks me out, I lose all confidence when I am lost in a tiny town or village, and I have a strange fear of getting stranded in the middle of nowhere.  All of my fears of life in the country are totally irrational, but in the big, bad, scary city of Gotham, absolutely nothing freaks me out.  I have seen people publicly having sex, been flashed by men on the subway, grabbed on the street, nearly pick-pocketed, had many screaming matches, and I couldn’t even begin to count the times I have witnessed public urination and even defecation on my neighborhood streets.  None of this makes me flinch.  When a man grabs my arm on the street, I immediately unleash a torrid of obscenities.  A would be mugger doesn’t want to deal with a screaming woman shouting at him especially a woman with my kind of volume.  When threatened, I am not exactly demure and I am not exactly quiet.

I have what some would call a reckless habit.  I like to go see shows late at night in places like the East Village, Williamsburg, Bushwick and the Lower East Side.  I am a bit of a loner, and I don’t enjoy the stress of having to coordinate a “Let’s go see a show” buddy, so 99% of the time I attend most late night events by myself.   I also usually know performers in the shows I go to, so attending shows by myself is not a lonely endeavor. My mode of transportation is almost always the New York City subway system.  I have lived in a metropolitan area for nearly 20 years, 8 years in Chicago and 11 in New York City.  I take public transportation daily, but I have yet to file a police report or get in an actual physical altercation with anyone.

The other night I did my usual and hopped on the Q train to see a show at Coney Island USA.  I went to see my buddy Fisherman and his orchestra of sorts – a lighthearted burlesque show with live music, my usual fix.   After the show I hung out with some friends and around 1 am I left to take the subway home by myself.

As usual when the train is in the station, only one car has its doors open.  I decide to sit in the air-conditioned car and not on the muggy platform.  A dozen or so people are already in the car, including a rather strange-looking fellow.  He has shabby white hair and a raggedy beard.  His outfit looks like a twisted throw back to the swinging sixties.  He sports a brightly colored tie-dyed t-shirt, a denim vest and jeans covered in political buttons.  He is colorful yet filthy.  The raggedy hippie is either flying drunk, on drugs or mentally ill and is probably a combination of all three.   I chose a seat as far away from him as possible.  He is loudly muttering and getting into fights with people on his end of the train.  I couldn’t tell what exactly what he is blathering on about, but I knew that the rest of the car is completely annoyed with him.  He isn’t just sitting there being a drunken idiot, but actively upsetting others while engaging in fairly hostile language.

By the time the car starts moving, he is subdued.   My mind goes elsewhere, he is just one of many crazy people I will encounter on any given day in New York.  The train only moves a few stops from Coney Island and all of sudden I look up and the crazy hippie is nearly right on top of me, muttering incomprehensible drivel.  Standing on a few feet from where I am sitting he reaches out an arm in my direction to grab me.  I immediately stand up and shout

“Get away from me…Don’t touch me”

Instead of backing off he lunges for me, getting angrier, he tries to explain himself.  I jump back a couple of feet and stand my ground.  I am alone, in low heels and a dress with long blonde hair and my huge blue eyes.  Even though I feel unstoppable, I know I look like one big target to someone mentally deranged.  I am often pointed out by a crazy person on a train car, even when I am not looking up.  Call it a doll syndrome or a Barbie complex, the mentally unhinged always love picking on the baby-faced blonde.  As I stand there waiting for what to do next, I hear a non-verbal threat from a seat near me.  Two young men, in their early twenties with thick Brooklyn accents immediately jump up and threaten the man to sit back down.

“Hey Buddy”

The hippie slumps back into his seat and immediately begins to antagonize the young men.  I can’t make out what he is saying as he is muttering nonsense.  I debate going to another car, but I figure the crazy old man could follow me, and at least in this car the two young Brooklyn thug types have my back.  Yet at the same time I worry that they would end up getting in an actual fight with the man, and as much as he is scaring me I don’t want to witness a full out subway brawl.

The two Brooklyn boys are both a tsunami of testosterone, loud, aggressive and fearless.  Things immediately escalate and the Brooklyn boys, threaten the hippie by pounding on the wall of the train car, just above his head.  The deranged hippie just keeps riling them up.  The moment things would calm down, the hippie would look at me as if I was a big juicy steak and he was a dog without a meal.  This is not lost on the two Brooklyn boys, who would then return to intimidating him.  At ear-splitting volume they shout

“Don’t you know what I could do to you?  Why are you giving me a hard time?  Why would you continue to disrespect us like that?  I could wipe you out old man!”

After a few more stops and screaming on the part of my younger protectors, one approaches me and asks when I am planning on getting off the train.  Then he walks over and asks the hippie what stop he was getting off on, the hippie replies.

“Whatever stop moves me man”

And with that the hippie looks over at me again.  Even though he is older, he is a huge and he probably could overtake me just based on his size.  I am stone-cold sober and have my phone out ready to call 911.  But it will be difficult to dial if he knocks me unconscious, or throws my phone onto the tracks.  Despite his claims of being a peace-loving “hippie” the look in his eyes screams predator.  The younger men discuss among themselves what they were going to do and wait until we got to another stop.  They then lure the man over to the doors, and when the doors open the younger and larger of the two position the hippie right in front of the open doors and scream

“You are getting out here!”

And with enough force to knock over three men, he takes the hippie by his shoulders and shoves him onto the platform.  The doors shut and the train moves out of the station.  The second the doors close a palatable release is felt throughout the subway car, the psycho is no longer a threat to anyone.   I slowly walk over to the two young men and thank them.

“Hey it’s no big deal, that guy was a monster, you could see it on his face, he won’t mess with you lady”

I ask what neighborhood they live in, because they remind me of a friend from Bensonhurst, a somewhat notorious old school neighborhood in Brooklyn.

“Kings Highway” “I am Irish and my buddy here is Italian, we grew up in Brooklyn, and we aren’t going to put up with some fool like that asshole, and don’t worry we weren’t gonna hit him, he wasn’t even worth that, we just wanted to scare him and get him off the train!”

His Italian friend responds

“And don’t worry we aren’t teenagers, I am 22 and he is 23 years old, we have seen more crap in our day…anyway have a nice night lady and get home safe”

I return to my seat across from a young black man and woman.  The young man has his jeans rolled up to his knees exposing his calves and his female friend is making fun of him

“Rolling your jeans up like that makes no sense, and your legs are ashy!  You can’t go around like that…you look crazy”

“Leave me alone girl, don’t you know my bunions are killing me!”

And with that I fall over laughing.  The couple looks over to me and we all starting laughing, about the crazy hippie, the tough Brooklyn boys, bunions and ashy legs.

Even though I know I am taking a risk riding the subway alone at all hours of the night, I don’t feel that scared.  Statistically I am more likely to die in a car wreck on a highway than murdered in a subway car in New York City.  When I first moved to New York I witnessed almost identical situation only less extreme.  A drunk man was causing quite a commotion on a subway car, and at after 15-20 minutes of putting up with him, three large men calmly walked up to him and pushed him out on the next station.  They didn’t even exchange words with the drunk man, the men just did what they thought they needed to do.

One of the most amazing things about living in New York City is the feeling that you are never really alone.  The lives of 8 million are constantly intersecting with each other, worlds colliding every day.  Our proximity gives us opportunities to connect with people of totally different backgrounds.  We can’t get in our cars and shut out the rest of the universe, we have no choice but to interact with one another, bound together whether we like it or not.  In a city that prides itself on its dog eat dog mentality and survival of the fittest philosophy situations like the Brooklyn boys and the hippie remind me that were are all in this together.

As Manhattan slowly becomes sanitized and gentrified the outer boroughs still feel much more authentic.  One of the things I love about Brooklyn, is that the old school tough guy mentality isn’t completely lost.   As Starbucks invade nearly every corner and mom & pop stores disappear, replaced by Dunkin Donuts it is nice to know that Brooklyn still produces some badass young men who are willing to get involved to help out a complete stranger.   Private school boys raised in luxury probably wouldn’t have thrown a threatening hippie off the train like that.  I was thankful for their lack of fear and street smarts.  I don’t want to live in the false safety of homogenized suburbs.  I want to live in a city with rough edges, and among people who won’t just sit back and take the world at face value.  New York City constantly surprises me and that is why I love this city so much.  Normally two super macho young guys would intimidate me, I never thought in a million years I would fall in love with brute male energy late at night on a subway car.

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating After Divorce: The Man-Child

Date: May 4, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, New York City, Uncategorized
Comments: 16 Replies
The Xbox "S" controller.

The Xbox “S” controller. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Trying to date men who are age appropriate in the roughly 35-45 age bracket it shocks me how many men in this category still exist.  We know them well, by their habits and ways…but what exactly is a “Man-Child?”

  • Age – at least over thirty
  • Occupation – usually something with no real career advancement but flexible hours
  • Economic Background – Any level but a man with a large trust fund can live like this indefinitely
  • Wardrobe – Dress like they are at least 10 years younger than their actual age – Aging Hipster
  • Bad habits – smoking, frequent heavy drinking, drug use
  • Almost always promiscuous – avoid commitment
  • No real plans for the future
  • Emotionally unavailable
  • Lives cheaply or barely within his means – has no savings

Now if the man who I just described is 25 years old, it is no real cause for concern.  As a man under the age of thirty is trying to work things out.  The exception being an aspiring actor, writer, musician, or artist.  Anyone pursing a creative profession might have one or more lower paying flexible dead-end jobs while they pursue their greater passion.  But a man who does not have these ambitions, and is this unfocused past a certain age, one has to wonder about.

The typical pad of a Man-Child is either a tiny filthy studio or a large sprawling space with multiple roommates.  A large flat screen TV and Xbox will be the centerpiece, some secondhand furniture, while used take out containers line the room along with various porn DVDs.  The refrigerator will contain nothing but alcohol, and a bong filled with ashes will be strewn about the floor along with some smokey one-hitters.  Again, an apartment like this is not too alarming if the man in question is under 30 years of age, but once over 35 its a huge red flag.   The Man-Child usually doesn’t want to “tie themselves” down to one woman, so they are constantly on the hunt for new conquests.  I met a great example of this type the other day who said within five minutes of meeting me.

“New York City is all about getting as much pussy as possible”

He claimed he was 36 years old but I suspected he was older.  His co-workers informed me that he has claimed 36 as his age for several years now.  They also told me to run, not walk away from him.  I obliged as I could practically feel the slime oozing off of him.   So what becomes of an aging Man-Child?  As I have entered my late thirties myself the prognosis is not so great.  The lifestyle of constant detached hook-ups, late night drinking binges and drug fulled parties gets more and more difficult to sustain.  A somewhat out-of-shape man over forty is not going to attract the same amount of women he did in his twenties, no matter how charming he might be, and especially if he is broke.  What I find most amusing about these men is their overwhelming fear of commitment.   As if they commit to one woman surely someone better will be just around the corner.  Even though with each passing day the likelihood of someone better showing up gets less and less.

So what is a gal to do if you encounter a man-child?  If you see a diamond in the rough, good luck to you.  Personally haven’t had the best of luck in transforming anyone but occasionally a dyed in the wool man-child will have a change of heart and turn into a full-fledged man.  But chances are you will just end up taking care of him, emotionally and possibly financially as long as you are with him.

Of course there is the female equivalent.  A woman who lives for the day, has no savings, no plan and spends all their time, money and effort trying to snag a man who will take care of them.  She might get lucky, but once past a certain age, her prospects will diminish.  Or maybe she is simply on the hunt for multiple sexual partners and wild times.  Not so surprising if in their early twenties, but rather sad once past a certain age.

New York city enables this behavior well past its appropriateness because the lifestyle here feeds off of the myth that living like a twenty year old is always sustainable.  In very few parts of the country can a person make the income off of a dead-end job as they can in New York.  Plus the New York City nightlife is dominated by others looking for a cheap thrill and those who make a profit promoting that lifestyle.  Unfortunately for those us who want to grow up, as the more stable and grounded people get married, the dating pool becomes filled with Man-Child types.  If you don’t want to end up being a surrogate parent to a man or woman who just wants to perpetually live like a child, then avoid these people like the plague.  After all, our late thirties should be a time of personal growth and professional advancement, not the time to take care of a deadbeat loser.

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Everyone seems to be getting worked up over HBO’s “Girls”

Date: April 18, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized, Women and Feminism
Comments: Leave a reply

I don’t normally write reviews, but since I tend to write about women’s issues sometimes I felt compelled after seeing the highly anticipated “Girls“

HBO decided to green light a new program starring written and directed by a 25-year-old woman, Lena Dunham, called “Girls”   I think that might be too much to expect from a 25-year-old, despite her exclusive and expensive education at St. Ann’s in New York and Oberlin.  There is no substitute for life after all and most 25-year-old simply haven’t lived enough of it to fully understand its many complexities.  Reviews of the show have been glowing to scathing, and several writers have gotten worked up over the awkward and depressing sex scene in the pilot.

It breaks my heart to say it, as I should be championing a show written and created by a woman especially one that produced and set in Brooklyn.  However the show made my skin crawl.  I don’t think I am its intended audience as I am nearly 15 years older than the main character.  But I am a single woman struggling to make it in New York, why do I hate it so much?  I guess because the lead character comes across as an entitled whiny brat completely dependent on her parent’s allowance.  When her parents cut her off abruptly she flips out, quits her unpaid internship and ends up high on opium pod tea.  Her roommate complains of a boyfriend that is “too nice” and her roommate’s visiting relative from England discovers she is pregnant.

I do not come from a privileged background not even close, so I guess it might be why I can’t relate to these characters.  Not only is the creator, Lena Dunham from a certain level of privilege but one of her co-stars is the daughter of NBC reporter Brian Williams.  So two privileged girls created their little slice of New York that only they might find interesting.  I would love to see reviews of this show written by poor struggling New Yorkers, not well off reporters.  I didn’t find these characters sympathetic at all.  Dealing with real adversity actually makes people more interesting, and the obstacles these women are up against don’t seem that insurmountable.  I don’t think the creator of this program has experienced much outside of her privileged sheltered upbringing.  For example the roommate that complains about the boyfriend who is too nice, and has a proverbial vagina…comes across as completely unlikable.  What does she expect?  And how frequently is this really a problem for young women, especially in New York?  I have heard tales of both men and women treating each other horribly, not being too sweet or too nice.  Hook-ups, one night stands, sexually transmitted diseases and rude texts and emails are the norm, not overly dotting super committed boyfriends, especially at that young age.   I know a lot of women much younger than myself and I don’t think any of them has the “boyfriend that is just too nice problem”.  Not one in fact.

The apartment they live in looks to be in the Park Slope neighborhood of Brooklyn which is actually quite posh.  Their place is huge and for the most part well furnished. The rent is unbelievably low at $2100 a month as it appears to have at least three bedrooms. The furniture is beat up, cheap and secondhand…but at least they have furniture.   When I was just out of college in Chicago I slept on the floor because I couldn’t afford a bed, and I have met several New Yorkers who have little more than a mattress, yet these women have large and comfy queens with bed frames, matching bedspreads and cute little lamps, even framed art on the walls.   The characters are also obsessed with the television series “Sex in the City“ which is to be expected as the whole endeavor appears to be some type of younger homage to the characters.  I want to inform them that “Sex in the City” is more myth than reality as most single women in New York spend the majority of their time working, the rest alone.   We can’t afford weekly brunches, constant lunches out, trips to the Hamptons and $400 shoes.  And even the characters on “Sex in the City” saw themselves as fully flawed people, not as perpetual victims.

When the lead character quits her unpaid internship she protests about another intern who was then hired as a paid employee.  Her boss responds that the former intern turned employee knows Photoshop.  Most enterprising young women would then, try to learn Photoshop or other advanced software to better their chances in the highly competitive workplace.   Instead the lead character wanders off defeated.  As a person who taught myself numerous software programs and how to type after college, how to build a website, and various other office skills,  I just felt like sitting down with this young woman and giving her a lecture on growing up.   Then there is that sex scene that everyone is worked up about.  The way her boyfriend treats her and their awkward sex scene is just flat-out depressing.  He is disrespectful and cruel yet she doesn’t seem to notice and puts up with his poor behavior.

What drives this young woman?  She is trying to publish her memoir, that is the memoir of a 25-year-old woman.  Not a 25-year-old who got back from the Peace Corps, or volunteered with orphans in Africa, is a cancer survivor, traveled around the world, or is recovering from working as a street-walker or high paid escort.  No, just a 25-year-old that went to a prestigious prep school, elitist college  and worked as an unpaid intern.  I can’t imagine no matter how skilled a writer that the fictional memoir would be all that interesting.  I know we all think we are fascinating when we are 25 but we are really just pups waiting for life to knock us around a bit and make us into more complicated adults.  Unless of course we are truly exceptional in our early twenties, but most of us aren’t.  I think I might have more sympathy if she was writing a novel, historical fiction or even poetry something less self-obsessed.

Of course there are some issues that do face young adults are addressed in this show, overwhelming student debt, a poor job market, exploitative internships and complicated dating lives.  But I can’t help but grabbing the lead character by both shoulders and say…

Try being a kid who couldn’t afford to even work at an unpaid internship because their parents couldn’t afford to subsidize them – then try to apply for jobs that require intern experience.  Try having to suck it up and take any job, even jobs you don’t want but you know you need to pay your rent.  Try living in a crappy neighborhood in a barely furnished hell hole with broken plumbing and spotty electricity.  Try living next door to a drug dealer.  Try living without health insurance for years because you simply can’t afford the coverage.  Try being the kid with a high GPA from a state college who has to compete with graduates from Oberlin whose parents subsidize them.   Try having your phone shut off or not being able to pay your rent because you are working but not making enough.  Try living next to neighbors who can’t stop fighting morning, noon and night.  Try almost getting mugged in your elevator or grabbed on the street.

Would a truly realistic portrayal of young artists trying to make it in New York be a watchable program?  Perhaps?  I don’t know.  But let’s not create a fake harshness and call it compelling.  When entitled wealthy young women make art, this is what we get.  The day mommy and daddy finally cut you off, should be the first day of the rest of your life, not the end of it.  If Dunham is the “voice of her generation” I shudder for our nation.  If we have managed to produce a bunch of helpless, entitled whining self-obsessed dolts we really are in trouble.  Eating cupcakes in the bathtub of a huge apartment in Park Slope is not struggling.  Just stop by a trailer park in Missouri or a housing project in the Bronx if you want to see a real young woman fighting against the odds.

I really wanted to like this show, I really did…but I hated it.  Here is a link to the pilot episode, maybe you will love it and if you do, it’s all good.  We don’t have to agree upon everything, and again I don’t think I am the intended audience for the show.  I am sure there are many 25-year-old women who would hate the brilliant, nuanced, dark and surreal dramatic/comedy about a divorced man in his early forties “Louie” which is one of my favorites.  But then I am a 39-year-old divorcee who has been to hell and back, so “Louie” speaks to me in ways they would never understand.

Girls – Pilot Episode

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page