New York City

Stalking – Why it is no joke

Date: April 16, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, New York City, Uncategorized, Women and Feminism
Comments: 6 Replies
Ted Bundy mug shot, Feb. 13, 1980.

Ted Bundy mug shot, Feb. 13, 1980. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I put a little sliver of my life on this blog, not my entire existence just fragments and pieces.  🙂  Due to some of my increased exposure as of late, I have had to deal with a problem of a few male “fans” who have crossed boundaries on various social media outlets.  What usually happens is they start commenting on everything I post, either on this blog or on Facebook.  Their correspondence gets increasingly personal and disturbing until I finally block them from my profile.  These men then respond with repeated vicious attacks using just about every means available to them.  I have received harassment on this blog, in my regular email, on Facebook, twitter and even once on an online dating website.  That particular man created not one, but two fake profiles with the sole purpose of harassing me.  In most cases, I have never met these men outside of cyberspace, nor have I had any personal history with them.

Immediately after a particularly bad episode with one male, a few of my friends posted the following joke on their Facebook pages.  I am not sure of the exact wording of the joke so I will paraphrase

“If a guy is unattractive he is a stalker, if he is good-looking then he is a secret admirer”

Women were gleefully posting comments as “so true” and the like.

I don’t know anyone who has had a “secret admirer” since grade school, maybe middle school.   When an adult male desires a woman, he will usually let her know and in the most direct way possible.  And in my 38 years on this planet I don’t know any woman who would find a stranger following them around in a car or hanging outside their apartment building or home, anything but a threat.  Even if the man is devastatingly handsome if he is lurking about on your property…how would that not be creepy?

Real stalking is a huge problem and it has only gotten worse with our privacy free world of the internet.  In most cases women are stalked by former boyfriends, or ex-husbands.  So conceivably at one time these women found their stalkers quite attractive.  Somehow the relationship went south and now the man is using stalking tactics to try to control, dominate and intimidate his former lover.   I have known several women who have had to get restraining orders against men who refuse to leave them alone.  And with background searches so easily and cheaply attainable any potential stalker can find out almost anything he wants about his would be prey.  A stalker can find where a woman works, where she lives, her phone numbers, friends, hobbies, and even her exact location thanks to those insane “check in” computer apps.

I have had men send multiple angry emails, at first begging me to write them back, followed by angry vitriol filled diatribes, and finally I will rue the day I snubbed them.  Why they feel the need to get so upset at someone they have no history with, and no shared experience is beyond me.   I won’t get into many specifics because I worry that if any of the men who have sent me threats read this, I would only be adding fuel to the fire by reprinting in detail what they have sent me.  But I have gotten the following two remarks included with sexually explicit degrading remarks.

“Maybe I will see you at a show sometime”

or

“You will really feel bad if I decide to show up at one of your comedy shows” 

I have a calendar on my website, as I am trying to promote my performances and help out the producers who have hired me.  I can’t really hide when I am going to appear onstage; and, producers are going to promote me anyway.

What a joke about stalking is really saying is that stalking isn’t a real problem.  That somehow women wouldn’t mind angry crazed emails on their blog, in their inbox and even in their online dating profiles if the man making them was attractive.  Getting nasty emails or letters filled with sexually threatening language isn’t exactly welcome from an older unattractive man, or a beautiful young man.  The physical appearance of the man sending the intimidating material is irrelevant.  A joke like this is yet another dismissive attack on women and the right for all women to lead independent lives.

According to the Stalking Resource Center – National Statistics for Crime

  • 3.4 million people over the age of 18 are stalked each year in the United States.
  • 3 in 4 stalking victims are stalked by someone they know.
  • 30% of stalking victims are stalked by a current or former intimate partner.
  • 10% of stalking victims are stalked by a stranger.
  • Persons aged 18-24 years experience the highest rate of stalking.
  • 11% of stalking victims have been stalked for 5 years or more.
  • 46% of stalking victims experience at least one unwanted contact per week.
  • 1 in 4 victims report being stalked through the use of some form of technology (such as e-mail or instant messaging).
  • 10% of victims report being monitored with global positioning systems (GPS), and 8% report being monitored through video or digital cameras, or listening devices.

The stalker “joke” reminds me of another poorly aimed attempt at humor that I have heard one too many times.

“He is only a rapist if he is ugly”

Well again, can’t really agree with that joke or find it funny.  After all Ted Bundy was an extremely attractive man, he was also one of the most prolific and brutal serial killers of our time.  He would not only strangle women but have sex with their corpses days sometimes weeks after he had murdered them.  His actions are not exactly funny or something to laugh about.   His attractiveness made him a more effective killer since women were less likely to suspect him, but according to his few surviving victims his sexual relationships weren’t consensual.   Bundy preferred to have sex with his victims after he killed them.

So call me politically correct, but I am going to disagree with anyone who thinks a “stalker” joke is funny or lighthearted.  Any woman, or man for that matter, who has had to deal with a stalker situation would never find it humorous.   My tactic for dealing with men who try to intimidate me on the internet is the following.

I stalk my stalkers.  I have the full names, emails, phone numbers, places of work, home addresses, criminal histories and even family members of the various people over the years who have threatened me.   If I have a flurry of activity from a stalker, I walk around with a hard copy of any threatening emails, and a background check of the person.  That way if they show up at a performance and try to harm me I will have more proof for law enforcement that this person has done more than just show up to see some comedy.  When I have stalker activity, I also don’t broadcast where I am going, or what show I might be attending on twitter, on facebook or in any other public forum.

I just want to live my life and this blog has improved mine immeasurably since I started it, so I am not about to shut it down.   And as I always say if you are really so worked up, write your own blog and get off of mine!  🙂  That is the more proactive approach now isn’t it.

And if you are experiencing a problem with someone who is stalking you.  I found an excellent resource in the Stalking Resource Center

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Dating After Divorce: The Emotional Predator

Date: April 11, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: Leave a reply
ventral side

ventral side (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am adding the following disclaimer to all of my dating related blog posts.  I change details, and create composite characters when I write about dating archetypes such as “Mr. Houdini, Mr. Angry, etc.  I would hate it if someone wrote about a high energy blonde comedian negatively in a blog, so because of that I never include a person’s occupation or anything about their physical description.  I also change enough details that I doubt anyone I am referring to would even recognize themselves if they read one of my articles.   I have split one person into three, or taken several people and put them all into one example.  So simply put, I am very ethical on this blog. 

I think we all know this type all to well. Again, this one is universal, and post-divorce individuals are especially vulnerable to their charms. Really no one is really safe with an emotional predator, as the best are masters of manipulation and deception. They can be

An emotional predator will pick up on whatever weakness you have and exploit it. Their goal is usually to have a sexual encounter with you and they will do anything to reach that goal. They will lie about their past, their current living situation, their interests, goals, hobbies, whatever to transform into the person they think you would desire. The worst predators won’t stop at a one-night stand, they need to control and dominate their partner’s lives, and are truly insidious.They are highly skilled at figuring out what makes you tick and what will interest you on a deep level. They might use your insecurities or fears or play up on your strengths using flattery. I just dodged a bullet with someone I think may have been playing me, and playing me well.

I can think of someone from my not so distant past as an example.  He figured out that I was a brainy type, so instead of trying to impress me with flashier credits in his past he used more intellectual ones. He was charming, sweet and went out of his way to ask questions about my interests and ongoing projects, pretty much anything that was near and dear to my heart. He also mislead me about his intentions.  In doing so implying that he might be looking for more than a simple one-night stand.  What all of this amounted to was me allowing my guard down. But I am generally a hard nut to crack, as I have major trust issues and I am not 22. So I didn’t immediately succumb and agree to hook up with him, or go out with him. Instead I remained coy and uncertain and definitely gave him mixed signals.  Fast forward a length of time and he is curt, clipped and I discover that some of what he told me is blatantly false. What he was probably looking for was a meaningless fling, and even though people misunderstand me on this very topic, I am not against anyone having sexual encounters with virtual strangers. However I think both parties should know what they are getting into before they hook it up.  Implications of a longer term, more invested relationship should not be used in order to make the one night of passion happen. And when a person is showing interest in a deeper part of yourself, that can blur many expectations.  The funny thing is, had he been upfront about his intentions and what he wanted, he might have been far more successful in his pursuit of me.

In my case the example I use was a close call, as I was swooning over this man until I saw the other side of him. When that happened I simply cut him out of my mind like a dead tree branch, and added him to the list of many men who have been in that role before him. But I wasn’t so lucky in the time immediately after I left my husband. Blinded by grief I made some fairly huge mistakes when allowing people into my life. All it amounted to was more lack of trust, pain and anguish.

In some cases, emotional predators are just insecure conniving people who are self-serving and justify their actions as just a part of dating. But in others mental illness or addiction may play a role

Unfortunately for the rest of us some people are just so insecure that they fulfill that emptiness with sexual or emotional conquests.  They equate their personal value by how many people they can bed, manipulate or control.  An emotional predator is a person to avoid at all costs.  And the best way to do that is to take things slow, don’t rush into anything and try to see the forest for the trees.

  • How do they interact with others, including people of the gender they date – If they treat other potential partners badly it is a bad sign
  • Try to find out history or a back story about them, knowledge is power
  • If you are suspicious trust that instinct and don’t rush in.
  • When in doubt – Sleep on it.  Give yourself space and see what happens when you pull away

Sadly there is no fool-proof way of avoiding someone who will cause you great pain and emotional harm as some predator types are so damn convincing.  But if you have dealt with someone like this, take heart, as we all have.  In most cases, it is all about them and has nothing to do with you.  They played you and they will play other people in the future.  The good thing is they are rare as most people don’t view others as objects or toys.  But if you find yourself in these situations repeatedly, you might want to re-evaluate your dating style.  A true emotional predator knows how to pick his or her prey.  The balance is being vulnerable  enough to allow a new person into your life, while not being so open as to become someone’s next victim.

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Life After Divorce: Just Keep it Simple?

Date: April 6, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse
Comments: 2 Replies
I Want a Divorce

I Want a Divorce (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am adding the following disclaimer to all of my dating related blog posts.  I change details, and create composite characters when I write about dating archetypes such as “Mr. Houdini, Mr. Angry, etc.  I would hate it if someone wrote about a high energy blonde comedian negatively in a blog, so because of that I never include a person’s occupation or anything about their physical description.  I also change enough details that I doubt anyone I am referring to would even recognize themselves if they read one of my articles.   I have split one person into three, or taken several people and put them all into one example.  So simply put, I am very ethical on this blog.

Online dating profiles are a window into a person‘s soul.  Most profiles don’t really tell you that much about a person, but the usually tell you enough to know when to send an email and when to keep moving.  One such profile popped up as a match on my OKCupid.com profile.  The man was generally attractive, age appropriate and seemed obsessed with cycling.  But he also had one overwhelming theme that was repeated throughout and that was

“When it comes to life, I believe in keeping it simple”

He said this around four times, including in the

“You should message me if….you believe in keeping it simple when living life”.

I hate to say it, but that was the final straw for me and I decided not to message him.  Sure we can all keep things simple in that we try to hang out with people who love and support us and avoid self-destructive behavior but if my divorce has taught me anything it is life is hardly simple.  His obsession with this premise just made me think he might be shallow or dim witted, and since I have sat through some fairly painful dates with both shallow and dim witted men I decided against contacting him.

Human relationships are nuanced and full of many shades of gray.  Life is in fact quite complicated, not simple at all.  My relationship with my ex-husband is complex to say the least.  Up until June 21, 2009 I considered him my best friend, my closest confidant, and then in an instant found myself staring at a man I hardly knew.  A bond and trust like that can’t be immediately severed, instead it took months and years for it to morph and change from overwhelming feelings of anger and resentment to a now familiar attachment that is difficult to describe.  What has been actually more troubling are the other relationships I lost when my marriage fell apart.  People I thought were as close as family just drifted away without so much as any real condolences or understanding.  In fact from some of them criticized me for being too hard on my ex.  If they only knew the layers of sacrifice and burden I had to endure for much of my marriage, the deception and betrayal they would never dare say something so profoundly uninformed to me.

As I witnessed many of my friends also go through difficult and painful divorces I experienced the extremely complicated nature of human relationships.  Some of my friends sabotaged their marriages with blatant infidelity or with downright abandonment towards their spouses.  Do I cut those friends off because of the way they treated their marriages?  Or do I understand the relationship was between those two people, and only they understand the torment and struggle they were going through.  Other relationships simply fell apart due to the every day wear and tear we put each other through, and any couple who has been together more than a decade or more knows, sometimes two people simply do grow apart.  And of course I had friends who were subject to cruelty and betrayal on extreme levels from their spouses.  Some of the stories still cause me to tear up when I think about them.  Married for twenty years only to be thrown away for a newer model and to find out the betrayal stretched on for the entire duration of the marriage?  Again anyone in a long-term committed relationship knows how much two people can go through in that time span especially when they have children together.  And then what of the children?  Damaged by the failure of a marriage and scarred up from the feeling of abandonment by one or both of their parents.  Not to say that the children won’t heal and might be better off in a divorced situation rather than a toxic household, but divorce is traumatic for all parties involved.  Or how about instances when one spouse is horribly treated by another then has to manage a healthy co-parenting relationship after the fact for years.  Life is not always so simple, and human relationships are hardly simple.  In fact they are quite complicated, and anyone who has survived a difficult divorce knows this truth all too well.

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Online Dating: Advice for Men – How to Pick a Good Photos for Your Profile

Date: March 8, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Dating Online, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 4 Replies

I am writing this because I just keep seeing the same thing over and over and it is making me crazy. I know most dating websites have general tips and tricks on picking the best profile photos.  I am not sure who is reading the advice given because I just checked my Match.com profile and in one day saw so many great examples of what NOT to do…I felt compelled…the blog must come out.

The absolute first thing you should do before publishing your profile or emailing anyone is: Have a trusted female friend look over your photos, your essay and everything else.  I cannot stress this enough.  Your mother doesn’t count.  You need a woman close to your age who knows you, and has your best interest at heart.  An ex-girlfriend is perfect, as long as you are on good terms.

Here are a few bad photo trends that I see repeatedly:

#1 – Bathroom Mirror Self-portrait – If you are really going to the full cliché then take every photo of yourself without a shirt.  Just make sure we can see the cell phone in the photo, and make it clear that you are in your bathroom.  Some men have nothing but shot after shot of themselves flexing in the mirror.  If you want to look like a Jersey Shore type of douche bag – this is the perfect way to make that happen.

#2 – A photos of yourself with an ex-girlfriend with the woman’s face blacked out –  When there is a big black box over the face of a former lover it speaks volumes. It says a lot about what you think of that person, and what it is saying is not very nice.  The same goes for the artful crop, that is we can tell that you have carefully cropped out a former girlfriend.  It’s fine on one photo but not so cool if all of your photos are like this.

3. Every photo is a group photo. – You would think this one would be obvious.  It says something about you if every single photo is a group photo…and what it is saying is that yes, you have friends..BUT you are hiding something…not good.

4. All of your photos are taken from a far distance. – I don’t get the landscape photos, or photos from vacation that include no humans whatsoever.  A photo of a nice sunset is lovely, but it says very little about what you look like.  When I see this, I just assume the man is married, or hideous.  It seems shady.  Don’t do it.

5. Really old photos – Some guys take this to the extreme, I have seen photos from the 1970’s complete with the yellowed sepia film and obvious hair and wardrobe choices that are clearly not from this decade.  It’s great if you had a wonderful bushy stash in the year in which I was born….but I would like to see what you look like now.

6. Nudity – The only exception to this rule is if you are looking for hook-ups or casual sex and you are making that very clear on the rest of your profile.  Then by all means…show the goods.  But there are sites for that sort of thing.  Generally speaking on most dating sites, nudity will get you kicked off and your photos will be taken down.  It is also probably not going to work as well as you think it is.  Women like a nice looking male body, but you run the risk of repulsing a lot of women.  It’s kind of like going up to a stranger and flashing them.  If you are at a swingers club, this behavior could be extremely welcome.  But if you are just standing on the street – women are libel to just run away from you.  Most women just aren’t wired in quite the same way as the average male. Also your body might not be as smoking hot as you think it is.  When in doubt – show a female friend and she what she thinks.

7. Scuba Gear – I have seen so many profiles in which the majority of photos are a man in scuba gear.  Not one photo, but every photo.  To me that says the man is either married, not confident in what he looks like, or embarrassed by being on an online dating site.   Well get over it and show your face!  Scuba gear gets its own category because it is nearly an epidemic online.  I have no explanation for it, but it drives me crazy!

8. Sports – Sure some women love sports maybe even more than you do, but if every single photo of yourself on your profile is one of you playing a sport, it might be a turn-off for some.  It’s not the worst thing you can do and it does say to any potential date…”I love sports!”  But you might want to throw in a straight shot of yourself just hanging out, instead of having every single shot in tiny running shorts covered in sweat.

9. Ironic boa, dress, women’s clothing – WHY? WHY? WHY do I keep finding these?  It’s just confusing unless cross dressing is your thing.   In one man’s profile,  half of his photos were in full drag, while the other half were in mens clothing.   He was open about being a cross dresser and I had to give him kudos for that.  Sure, he will turn off most women, but for the women who are actually seeking a cross-dresser the profile will be a magnet for them.  I all for honesty!  If you are cross dressing as an ironic joke, women who don’t know you may not get your sense of humor.

10. All Body shots, none of the face – This one just makes me think – married man. I’ve actually found numerous profiles like this where the man explains he is married and cheating on his wife.  One even said he was specifically not in an open marriage, nor was he polyamorous – he was just looking to cheat.  If you aren’t married, then why not show your face?  Nearly everyone tries online dating at some point.  There is no shame in looking for love online, and I have actually encountered a few men online with fairly high profile jobs.  Don’t hide.  If you want to look suspicious having no face shots is an easy way to do it.

11. Pay attention to your backdrop and details – I’ve seen many photos with men still wearing their wedding rings.  They could be old photos, but they are definitely sending a mixed message.  The married man who boasted about cheating on his wife had a baby fence behind him in one of his shots.  Sure it could have been for a dog, but it looked absolutely dreadful.

12. Only one shot – You can’t be bothered. And it increases the likelihood that you won’t look like this one photo.  I have found a good rule of thumb is 5-6 but it never bothers me when a man has 20, as long as 10 of them aren’t landscape shots.

I know men read this blog, because I can tell when they search for it.  Hopefully some of them might re-think their online profile photos after they read this, but maybe not.  I want everyone to find the love of their life out there, so put your best face forward…and please show your freaking face!

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Life After Divorce: Dealing with Loneliness

Date: February 29, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Depression, Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 15 Replies
English: Lower Manhattan at late dusk.

Image via Wikipedia

I wish I could write snappy little sentences on this topic, compile a top ten list of things to combat the sense of being utterly alone.  I could give obvious tips like surround yourself with friends, or don’t hide up in your apartment by yourself.  But it would be disingenuous of me to give advice because I don’t have any answers.  I didn’t sign up for being alone in my late thirties: no children, no spouse and very little hope of change.  Someone from my distant past who I don’t know well, put the following on my facebook wall

“Why don’t you just learn to be happy without a man?”

He couldn’t understand that this ridiculously dismissive statement upset me.  Needless to say we are no longer friends. His declaration just seemed like a death sentence.  I should just resign myself to being alone the rest of my life, that somehow wanting a relationship is a weakness.  I can’t imagine someone going up to a man who had ended his marriage and telling him

Who needs a woman?  You should be happy on your own!

I guess some might, but it seems socially more acceptable to espouse this sentiment to a woman instead of a man.  Up until recently women had fewer choices in life than men, it was either get married or struggle on your own.  Now we have a myriad of variations of a healthy adult life.  I am not searching for a partner for a sense of financial stability or cultural acceptance.  I just prefer to live in a committed relationship and not have a series of short-lived affairs.  Not everyone likes the same flavor ice cream and not everyone likes the same lifestyle.  I don’t know how it is a weakness on my part to want to share my life with another.

There is some truth in his statement:  I should learn to love living on my own and I shouldn’t need a partner in my life.  But I am hardly 80 years old.  I don’t think I should accept my fate of a permanently single woman bereft of any romantic endeavors.  Some people tell me I am trying too hard, and I should just let nature take its course.  Well even though I keep trying to convince people otherwise; I really don’t meet anyone in my daily routine.  I work with children in my day job so I meet a lot of married dads, and at night I host burlesque and comedy shows.  Any men that I seem to attract from my performances are not attracted to me in a healthy way, in fact some of them have acted more like stalkers.  They aren’t seeing me, but a fragment of my personality heightened for the stage. These men tend to put me on such a high pedestal; I would have no way to go but down, if I actually tried to have a relationship with any of them.  I have no desire to end up with another comic and further complicate any professional ambitions in that field.  Online dating has been a bit of a fiasco for me, yet I still keep trying with no luck.  I feel entirely stuck.

I also get the criticism that I am not trying hard enough.  I should force myself to go out with nearly any man within reason, including men I have no attraction towards or are much older or younger than me.  I don’t know why I should have to put myself through that hell.  Even going out with age appropriate men I am reasonably attracted to is difficult enough.  Occasionally I will get my hopes up on someone only to quickly give up as they don’t feel the same way towards me, or I discover huge compatibility problems.  As I watch nearly everyone in my social group “couple up” at least temporarily I wonder –  What is it about me that is preventing this from happening?  Is that the trauma of my divorce and subsequent depression too glaring to hide?  Is it due to my lack of trust in other people I read as suspicious?  Do I just seem desperate?  Is it this blog? (So far at least one man has blamed it for changing his mind about a second date).  I don’t know.  I go through periods of not caring at all and then waves of feeling like it is never going to change.

The loneliness is stifling.  I am envious of women with children because at least they have someone in their life who is a part of them forever.  My marriage was little more than lies and deception, but at least I had someone to come home to every night.   My spouse was someone I thought was supporting me and with whom I could share my life.  Now it is just endless nights wondering if this is just the new normal.  I didn’t sign up for this when I committed my life to my husband.   As I watch my fellow single friends start dating people they care about, I know I won’t get to talk to them as often or see them as much.  I am happy for them, but it just makes me feel that much more alone.  I wish I had some sort of pep talk for myself and for readers of this blog.  I don’t.  I continue to hang out with friends who love and support me and reach out to loving family members, but the elusive romantic partnership seems lost to me forever.  The most searched for phrase for this blog is the following.

Why is it so difficult to date in your late thirties?

Although I might be lonely, I am definitely not alone.

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Dating Online – Why you get ignored

Date: January 23, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating Online, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 34 Replies
Question mark

Image via Wikipedia

This post is more for the men out there than the women.  But if you have spent a lot of time on dating websites you will totally relate to these suggestions.  So thanks to the handy features on WordPress, I can tell what people search for when they stumble upon this blog.  One of the saddest things that comes up a few times a week is something along the following.

“Men on dating websites, Why do my emails get ignored?”

or

“Why do women ignore me on online dating sites”

Well if it makes you feel better, everyone I know gets ignored on dating websites.  From extremely attractive young women to grandfathers looking for age appropriate sweethearts.   EVERYONE GETS IGNORED!

I tend to ignore most obvious inappropriate matches that end up in my inbox because I have found that when I respond, even in an extremely polite manner….the responses I get back are snide, angry or filled with venom.   And I get it, as no one likes rejection even if it is over something like having an allergy to cats.  So don’t sweat it, here are some common reasons why you may not hear from a lovely lady after you have sent her an email.  And think about it, would you really want the reason spelled out?  How would it help you?  The blow-off is just part of the game, don’t take it personally.

Reason #1 – You live too far away (And in NYC it might mean no more than 10-20 miles)

Typical responses – What do you mean I live to far away?  Come on I could drive to your place in 20 minutes, why are you so uptight.  Think outside of the box, Long Island to Brooklyn is really no big deal….and it can go on and on from there with increasing venom.  Look not everyone in NYC drives a car or has access to a car and they may not want to rely on a significant other to get back and forth from their place.  They might also never want to relocate, so you are better off looking locally for your dream woman.  About half of my mail comes from men in other countries and other states, I don’t get it as most men and women aren’t looking for a long-distance relationship with a total stranger.

Reason #2 – You are too old/young

Typical responses – What are you some type of ageist?  Lighten up!  You shouldn’t discriminate on age, I am a great guy and everyone who knows me knows that. (typical from an older guy) or I like older women!  I don’t care if you are 13 years older than me, we can make something happen!  You are so hot baby why do have a thing against younger guys?  And this goes on and on and on….Most women just want to date someone relatively close to their age, as most people do.  It is really not that unreasonable an expectation.

Reason #3 – They are just not attracted to you

I don’t have the heart to tell someone this.  Even though I could in most cases, and I am sure a lot of men look at my profile and think the same thing.  It is just part of dating, some guys don’t like blondes or they don’t like women who are taller than them or they like curvier women.  Personally I never want to know when this is the case, because physical attraction is never the same for two people.  I love to wear makeup, heels, skirts, dresses and sometimes curl and spray my hair.  Some men prefer an all natural woman, so they are not the men for me.  If a woman is just not flat-out attracted to your photos, you really don’t want a response.  Trust me you don’t.

Reason #4 – Lifestyle

A woman reads your profile and thinks to herself, we have nothing in common and seem to have completely different lifestyles I can’t imagine this will work out. If you work 9-5 and the woman you sent an email to works at night just arranging a first date could be hard enough much less trying to see them often.

Reason #5 – General compatibility

This could be anything from pets, religion, having children, never wanting children, political beliefs…anything could scream deal breaker to a potential partner, and they may not know how to tell you.  We are all puzzle pieces just trying to see what fits, don’t take any of this personally.  Would you really want to get a list from a woman of all the reasons she doesn’t think you will be a compatible partner?  I wouldn’t want to get that in my inbox.  Don’t worry about it and move on.

Reason #6 – Your profile is overly negative or nearly blank

Putting a list of what you don’t want or don’t like in a profile might seem productive, but it usually just turns women off.  I think the same goes for everyone.  Ranting and raving about how much dating sucks, or how horrible dating websites are is better to put on a blog than a dating profile…much like THIS blog!  HA!  Just keep your profile simple and positive.  When in doubt have a friend look over what you have written, a female friend is best, before you publish it.  Also some guys have extremely sarcastic profiles and they might work for some, but I know many women who are immediately turned off by them.  But this is no hard rule as I am sure some women love a goofy or sarcastic profile.  And if you haven’t filled out your profile don’t expect a ton of email responses, if you are getting a lot then it is just based on what you look like and you might just waste a bunch of time on dates only to then discover your date isn’t kosher with half of the things that make you, the wonderful and unique person that you are, such as political beliefs, pets, children, work schedules, hobbies….etc.

Reason #7 – Your profile photo is too overtly sexual or revealing

This one freaks out a lot of women, I don’t know what to tell you guys but men and women are generally wired very differently.  A man might find a photo of a gal in a bikini absolutely what they are looking for in a profile.  Yet when a woman looks at a man’s profile and find nearly every photo of a half-naked guy it is sometimes a huge turn-off.  I have no idea how this is for men seeking men, or women seeking women, but generally speaking if you are a straight man looking for a straight woman you are better off with more clothing on than less.  Of course there are always exceptions, some women want to see as much as possible before they meet you.  And if you are just looking for casual sex the half-naked or nearly naked photo could be EXACTLY what you need to find appropriate partners.

Reason #8 – You only have one photo or no photo

This particular one drives me crazy because most of the time, the one photo is partially obscured or taken form a weird angle.  It just makes me think that the guy is married or hiding something.  I never trust a profile that only gives me a sliver of a man’s face.  And any profile with no photo is extremely suspect…it is basically how to look married on an online dating website!  HA!

Reason #9 – The woman you emailed isn’t that active on the site

I don’t really know why I do this but I just get burnt out by the whole thing and stop bothering to check emails, winks and quiver matches etc.  So you might feel dissed, but that woman might be ignoring her entire profile for months and it has nothing to do with you.  Or she might have just entered into a new relationship and isn’t sure where it is going so her profile is still up, but not really active.  There is a huge gray area when it comes to dating.  Again, don’t sweat it.

Reason #10 – The profile you emailed might be phony

I do know of people who put profiles out there as jokes, just to see what they would get.  I am also pretty sure that some dating sites use phony profiles as I have written before about eHarmony sending me “icebreakers” from users when my profile had been shutdown for over a year.  So either the profile contacting me was fake, or they were using my profile without my consent and either tactic is sleazy as hell.

So overall don’t worry about it.  The woman is probably ignoring you to spare your feelings.  No one wants a list of things that are wrong with them when all they sent was a simple “I would love to have a drink” or “Your pretty I would love to hear from you”.  Just let it go, they are not trying to hurt you.  It is hard for everyone and just hang in there.  🙂

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Dating After Divorce – Dating Online – The Liars

Date: January 16, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, New York City, Relationships
Comments: 11 Replies

I should really call this more adventures in NOT online dating because I am online, but I am not really going on any dates.  Why?  Well most of the guys that email me have what I would call not so desirable profiles, live way to far away or are way out of my age range .  Then the men that I send quick “Hey I would love to go for coffee” emails don’t email me back.  Most men and women go through the “email blow off”, I have learned to let it roll right off of me, as it is just part of the game.  But I just had a few men email me in a row that had such crazy profiles I felt the need to share them with my regular readers.

The Liar – A man or woman who is clearly making stuff up out of whole cloth and sticking on their profile, although sometimes reading these profiles are highly amusing.

  • No photos
  • Photos where you can only see body parts or slivers of their face
  • Wearing sunglasses in every single photo
  • Their occupations or history seem fantastical
  • Their profile it is essentially blank

To be more accurate there are two kinds of liars on-line.  The ones who lie by omission in that they tell you nothing (probably married) or the who create fantasy profiles.  I am going to focus on one of the craziest profiles I found the other day.  This guy was so out-there that I was actually laughing out loud when I read it.

I will change some specifics to protect the man’s identity but he was average looking and claimed to be 30 years old and 5’9″ in height.  He also had photos that looked like professional acting headshots.  The problem was that the headshots appeared about 15-20 years old.  His hair, clothing and the style the photos screamed early 1990’s.  He also had one heavily photo-shopped image of himself dressed as a pilot with no explanation given other than “I am a patriot”. But here I will just breakdown his other ridiculous claims on his profile

Worked as a professional actor for 16 years having done multiple shows and films – OK, so he was some type of child actor since he would have had to start acting at age 14 if that were true or even younger if you believe what he later claims is his current profession.

Worked as a professional model having done several major magazines – Again as a person who knows a thing or two about the modeling industry that is complete horse shit.  He “might” be able to model at 5’9″ if he had an absolutely perfect ripped muscular body, and then he would do underwear or possibly commercial print.  But here is the thing the minimum height for a male model is 5’11”.   Not to mention the guy was hardly good-looking, and he was slightly stocky.  And his terminology was way off, a model wouldn’t say they have done major magazines unless they have done the cover…and how often do you see male models on the cover of magazines?  They are usually on mens magazines and look a lot like the fitness type model I described earlier.  In fact nowadays most magazine covers feature actors and athletes, not models.  If had really booked work modeling he would say ad campaigns, catalog, print work or runway.  He obviously inventing all of it!

I currently work as a Federal law enforcement agent….I wish I was kidding…but no, according to him being a major model and actor for 16 years somehow qualified him to work in federal law enforcement.  I am not sure how you get that lucky break?  Getting a job in federal law enforcement isn’t exactly easy, and there is some training involved that would take time.  So when did he quit modeling/acting?  And wouldn’t it be a huge pay cut?  I mean if he was so successful as an actor/model why quit?  And what is he anyway a SPY?  How daring and bold.

Trained in martial arts for over 25 years…OK so he may have started at age 5 but that seems a little far-fetched given the rest of his profile.

Professional Reflexologist – Which is a person who massages and applies pressure to feet….and then he added that he had a foot fetish.  OK, OK, OK…..gross that he mentioned the fetish ON HIS PROFILE but come on dude, if you really get sexually aroused by women’s feet, then wouldn’t it be sort of impossible to do that for a living?  I mean if it is an actual profession for you, in addition to federal law enforcement and modeling blah, blah, blah…wouldn’t getting an erection all day long make your job kind of difficult.  And again, that would take some training…and how could it fit it in with all the martial arts, modeling, acting and federal law enforcement he is doing!?!  And all at the tender age of 30?  AMAZING!

I am betting this dude lives with his mother and wouldn’t even follow through on a date…and I don’t think it was a joke profile because the email he sent me was very long and equally ridiculous, plus it was on a paid site.   I can’t imagine anyone would spend money for that kind of humor when there are so many free sites out there.   I did send a response as I blocked him basically telling him his entire profile looked like a farce and he might want to try telling the truth if he wants to get a date.

If nothing else these sites are comedy gold.  I just wish they were dating gold!  HA!!!

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Dating in NYC – Potential Girlfriend or just a Piece of Ass?

Date: December 2, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 12 Replies

Erotic butt

This is a question that we all must ask ourselves at certain times of our lives.  Am I a potential girlfriend to this man who I am seeing?  Or am I just a another piece of ass?  These things can get blurry.  It seems men over 35 are less likely to just jump into a commitment right away.  This might appear to go against conventional wisdom as younger men have less responsibility and don’t want to settle down.  But younger men will at least bond quicker, men in their early forties are beaten up a bit and scarred.  Men who have lived a life, have also had their egos bruised, hearts broken, trust shattered so they are less likely to give their hearts and emotions over to a new woman as quickly as a younger man might.

Some men are upfront and tell you right away that they are not looking for a relationship or a commitment.  I respect men who are upfront.  I don’t date them, but I love the honesty.  If a woman wants to get involved with no major commitment, and maybe even see a few other guys on the side, it is her choice.  Not every woman wants a relationship, and this situation might be perfect for both parties.

But then there are men who realize that a woman won’t waste her time with a hook-up artist or a non-exclusive relationship.  This type of guy doesn’t want a relationship, but still wants a woman around.  Instead of being direct he will string the her along.  He’ll never say:

“This is a relationship”

but also never say

“This is just something casual”

Some don’t even realize what they are doing, they just want to keep seeing a woman but with boundaries that are comfortable for them.  So they will dodge and weave to avoid creating a situation that will lock them down or leave them emotionally vulnerable.

I got stuck in a bad relationship that was similar to this.  I hasten to even call it a relationship now.  Instead I say “I tried to date this guy” because honestly that is how it felt.   After what I went through I now look for the following warning signs that I am in that nether region of somewhere between girlfriend and a piece of ass.

  • Refuses to talk about what the relationship is or where it is going
  • Refers to you as a “friend” – even though you are sleeping with him
  • Won’t introduce you to his friends, or get you more involved with his life
  • Won’t talk about anything overly emotional
  • Only communicates via text message or email – no phone calls
  • Doesn’t show you any emotional vulnerability – unless complaining about his ex
  • Keeps conversations and correspondence about surface topics

I thought that my guy was an exception, because when I was actually with him, he was warm, affectionate and he treated me as if I was a girlfriend.  Snuggling up to a piece of ass might seem like a good idea, but it just ends up confusing the woman.  I really liked him, so it took me a while to figure out that is all I ever was, just a sexual plaything that relieved the boredom and gave him a thrill from time to time.  And even though I was corresponding with him on a daily basis, the correspondence was still just surface and it wasn’t emotionally satisfying.   I grew tired of hearing about his daily workout routines, and the occasional bitching about his ex-wife because that was mainly all he was open about.  He never set up dates, he never saw me on my terms and didn’t go out of his way for me in any way shape or form.

He did send me many mixed messages in regards to his two children, whom I never met.  He would tell me that his son liked a photo of me, or his daughter thought a dress I was wearing in a photograph was pretty.  He also kept me clued into their struggles, challenges and joys.  Talking about his kids just gave me a false sense of hope that I might become more important in his life.  What I misunderstood was his kids were important to him, where I was not.

Ultimately I was between the world of a casual fling and girlfriend.  I hated the existence so I broke it off.  I made excuses for this man for months, he was upset from his divorce, he was being overly cautious, he was afraid to get hurt and on and on.  Because I allowed him to contact me when he felt like it, and see me when it worked for him I was enabling his emotionally distant behavior.  I had become my own doormat, and he was walking all over me.

My last relationship lasted nine years.  Since then, I sort of forgot how to date.  The last time I was single I was only 27 and the process seemed so much easier, the men less complicated.  Now that I am older and wiser I have to learn to see these signs sooner and cut my losses.  If a woman just wants a sexual relationship with no strings attached, it is usually not incredibly difficult to find.  I am holding out for something bigger and more meaningful, and I have no idea if I will find it.  I do know though that I am never putting up with being treated like that again.

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Divorce: My ex-husband the Clown

Date: November 29, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Clowns, Divorce, Gay Husband, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
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Joel Jeske

Joel Jeske (Photo credit: Prehensile Eye)

I remember telling my parents when I first met the man who is now my ex-husband.  I started with the positives– he was college educated, worked with the touring company of Chicago’s acclaimed Second City, studied with the Cambridge Footlights in England and had toured the world a few times over as a performer.   Then I finally let the cat out of the bag so to speak and said.

“He is a clown”

My parents were oddly accepting, I think they had grandchild in mind and half-clown grandchildren were better than no grandchildren.

As far as clowns go, my ex was quite accomplished.  He has been nominated for two Drama Desk awards, performed with every major circus in the country and has also performed extensively in Europe and Asia.   I always say

“He is kind of a big deal…if you are a clown”

But being married to a clown, even a semi-famous one is not a barrel of fun.  For starters there were the other clowns, many of which were extremely snobby.  The pecking order went something like this

  • Theater Clowns – Well trained, college degrees or higher, performances not always comical, sometimes only entertaining to other clowns.  Considered the most artistic.
  • Circus Clowns – Some join the circus straight out of high school, have skills such as juggling, stilts, acrobatics, etc, always funny, have a reputation for being rough around the edges
  • Birthday Party Clowns – Derided by Theater and Circus clowns, yet some birthday party clowns make more money than any other type of clown
  • Hobby Clowns – Amateurs who dream of one day becoming circus clowns, a few even follow circuses around like groupies.
  • Gospel Clowns – Clowns who view clowning as a “calling” rather than a job, use clowning to proselytize.  Many don’t believe in getting paid.
  • Rodeo Clowns – Work with animals rather than people:  in a category all their own.

To the rest of the population, a clown is a clown.  So a highly skilled theatrical clown like my ex is the same as a hobby clown named Sparkles–A man wearing a rainbow wig, scary make up, a dirty costume, and plastic shoes who twists balloon animals in the park for tips.

As a result of this common misconception about clowns, the clown world is full of rules and standards.  In order to be a “real” clown one had to study with Lecoq in France or Commedia dell’arte.  Clown college, which was run by Ringling Bros., was shut down in 1997, so any circus clown that came after that time was viewed as having lesser training.

So imagine marrying a highly regarded member of the red nose mafia.  They weren’t exactly the most welcoming group, and what made my situation worse was when my ex decided that I should become his partner-in-crime.  I thought that working as a clown might be better than as a mostly out-of-work actress, so I took the plunge and attended a brief clown school in Manhattan.  I liked the training, but found some of it to be completely inane.  In one class we were told to shout obscenities and throw tennis balls at each other, it was beyond useless.

My ex and I made great clown partners, but for years no matter how many gigs I booked, and no matter how many huge audiences I entertained, I never felt completely accepted.  I often felt treated like the Yoko Ono of clowning.  I was even accused of influencing my husband to not work with certain people or to only work with me.  It was all nonsense.  I never had any aspirations of running away with the circus or becoming a famous clown.  By joining my spouse in his passion,  I was trying to make my marriage stronger, as this art form was so important to him.  But I made a mistake many spouses make and put his dreams before my own.  By subjugating my own desires and needs for his, I was making our lives too interdependent.  His happiness became more important than my own and I would ultimately pay the price for this.   When the marriage fell apart, I not only lost my partner but my ability to earn an income.

Most of the clowns cut me off immediately.  I went from working all the time to nothing.   I tried to get traditional employment but in this competitive job market I had no luck.  I have joked that being a clown for nine years is the same as working in the sex industry, it is the stain that won’t wash off.   And thanks to the internet I can’t hide my past, so I stopped trying to go straight and went back to clowning.  I had to build up my own clients and relationships with new entertainment agents but I am slowly pulling myself up.

Now that it is all over, I am the one with the strange occupation trying to explain to people how I got myself into this line of work.  It is never easy to say to new people, especially potential dates

“I am a clown, my ex-husband got me into it”

A shocked expression usually flashes over their faces, as if I am about to start some type of joke.  Sadly I am not.

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Divorce – It’s more than just a breakup

Date: November 29, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 7 Replies
Divorce Cakes a_006

Divorce Cakes a_006 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

One of the most annoying things that I heard repeatedly after I left my husband was the following.

“I just broke up with my boyfriend, I know exactly how you feel”

I know that my friends who told me that were trying to make me feel better.  They were trying to show empathy and a shared experience with mine.  But a relationship even a long-term one with cohabitation is not the same as a marriage.  If it was then same-sex couples wouldn’t be fighting for the right to marry all over this country.  For starters there is the ceremony.  When you start dating someone you don’t throw a “Hey look we just started dating party” you might have a housewarming if you move in together but with a marriage there are usually one or more bridal showers, an engagement party, a bachelorette party and finally the big obnoxious wedding.    I remember mine as if it was yesterday and when I stood there in the dress facing both sides of our collective families turning to watch me walk down that aisle I thought to myself.

So this is why we have weddings, to guilt us into staying together.

All of these parties, rituals and ceremonies add to the sense of permanence to the union.   Your families become legally linked to one another, everything becomes part of the public record.   And although getting married is easy enough, getting out of it can be a quagmire.

For instance I always wanted to say to the person who just broke up with their non-spouse partner.

  • Did you have to go to a lawyer to break up?
  • Do you have any stocks or mutual funds in both of your names?
  • Do you have property with this person?
  • Do you have children?
  • Did you just have to go do your taxes with your ex?
  • Do you live in fear that your ex will financially ruin you before the divorce is final?
  • Do you have to pay alimony to your ex-partner?
  • Is your partner hiding marital assets or income earned during the marriage?
  • Is your ex contesting the split or slowing the process down?

As difficult as a breakup is, even a long-term live-in partner is not the same as a husband or wife.  With some long-term relationships shared assets or children might be an issue but in most cases they are not.  With a boyfriend or girlfriend you can usually just walk away.  You don’t have to go to court, you don’t have to file for legal separation, you don’t have to protect your assets.  The only real legal benefit to being non-married is that if you have your own health insurance you don’t have to worry about losing it when you get divorced.  Because of all of the legal ramifications, especially with those involving children divorces in some states can drag on for years before they are resolved.

I had a non-contested divorce with few assets and my ex and I spent over $2,000 on the divorce and I had to go to court about five times before it was over.  Since I was the one who filed, I was the one who had to appear to drive the paperwork through the system.  I remember waiting in line trying to hold back tears to get my certified copy of my divorce.  I had to get this document to split in half some of our assets and to legally declare to the universe that we were no longer husband and wife.  Our divorce was easy, it only took eight months in NY state, but some of my friends with children are still battling with their exes years later.  Eight months, thousands of dollars and multiple court appearances isn’t exactly the same as moving my stuff out of a boyfriend’s apartment.

But putting all of the legal and financial ramifications aside, there is still a sense of permanence of forever that exists in marriage that doesn’t exist in the same way as it would in a non-legally binding relationship.  There is something about that big day and the hopes and dreams of both of your extended families that makes it feel like it won’t end.  It is why we have big rituals surrounding marriage, it is supposed to be something higher, something larger than just two people living together.  And it is exactly why the fall is much harder.  Of my divorced friends I honestly don’t know anyone who didn’t go through some level of hell.  For some the day of reckoning took a while to show up, and for others it was immediate, but they all went through some major trauma even if they wanted desperately out of the marriage.  Divorce is not just a breakup, so the next time someone tries to tell you that, just nod and smile, they know not what they say.

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