Dating profiles are little windows into a person’s psyche.  They say so much while saying so little at the same time.  I’ve tried nearly every service from eHarmony, match.com, OkCupid, chemistry to even Jdate.  I’m not Jewish but I live in New York City so I thought – why not?  So far nothing has worked.  I’m like a curious bystander staring at a crime scene or car accident, no matter how pathetic my online dating experiences have been, I just can’t tear myself away from the sites.  Pursuing profiles is like a huge sociology experiment.  If I have any advice on here to ANY MAN it would be this.

PLEASE HAVE A TRUSTED FEMALE FRIEND, WHO IS NOT YOUR MOTHER, LOOK OVER YOUR PROFILE BEFORE YOU PUBLISH IT.

I would repeat that three times for emphasis but I like to keep my word count under 1000 on this blog.

One of the things I learned quickly in regards to emails on OKCupid – A guy’s name says so much.  I get email all day on those sites. If a guy has a crazy name, I know it isn’t even worth opening anything until the next day.  Sometimes a name can actually ruin everything, in one case a man emailed me with a name that was a creative spelling of spermbank, yet when I looked at his profile he seemed perfectly normal.  I just couldn’t imagine though, going out on a date with a man who thought SPERMBANK was an appropriate name for a dating profile.  I write this with the intention of helping guys who are well intentioned but have no clue about how a name like, HappyHuggerGuy might come across to a woman.  The more extreme names like Slave4URFeet or BigSugarDaddyLvr will always be there, and easy to disregard.  But if you are a guy and you aren’t sure why your profile isn’t getting more email, or if your a woman and want to see some of the most tragic names I could find…this article is for you!  Most names fall into the following categories.

Sexy Names – must contain one or more of the following

• 69
• Deep, Long
• Big, Huge,
• Pulsing, Thorbbing
• Girthy, Girth, Thick, Wide
• Xrated
• NSFW
• Beast
• Pervert, Perv
• Naughty
• CunnyLover
• ThreeWay
• Casual, NoStrings, Discrete
• Honorable Mentions:
• SpermBank
• WellHungForFun
• Youlllovemy
• NiceGuyButNot
• Longrider888

I Think the only thing I have to offer is MY MONEY 

• SugarDaddy
• Richboy
• Ferrari, Lexxus, Porsche, Benz
• HighRoller
• BigPlayer
• $$$$

I’m a Sensitive guy – these made my skin crawl more than any other category

• Cuddles
• Snuggles
• Sweet4U
• SensitiveLover
• Sweetboy
• Gentle
• Lover, Loves, Lovey
• Friendly
• Huggs, Huggable, Hugger
• Kisser, Kisses, Kissy
• Lonely
• Honorable Mentions
• GentleLover4U
• Mr.Cuddles
• SnuggleBearLover
• Soft_N_Gentle

The following are subcategories that depending on the woman could work.  After all, we are all quite different and if a woman specifically seeks a squirrel loving guy who is into BDSM and has a foot fetish – A name like SquirrelDomFootLuv – might be just the thing.  If you are into kinky and this is what you are looking for, by all means don’t hide it.  It’s always better to NOT surprise a potential partner

I’m Kinky or a have a Fetish

• BDSM
• Kinky, Kink,
• Slave, Master, Slavery
• Submissive, Sub, Dom, Dominant
• Beat Me, Wimpy, Wimpee
• LoveFeet, LoveBig, LoveCurves, TallChaser
• Fisty – Couldn’t make that one up
• Honorable Mentions
• SlaveMasterDomme69
• Mr.Wimppee
• McFisty
• WhipMeGuy4U
• SlapSlaveAssMan

Spiritual – Again these would repulse me, but if you are a mystical sort seeking a similar type of gal, they could be perfect

• Soul, Soulmate
• Peaceful, Peace
• Spirit, Spirit Guide, Searcher
• Hippie
• Mystical
• Seeker, Visionary, Visions,
• Dreamer, Dream,
• SunGod, Goddess Seeker,
• Healer
• Evolved

Alternative Lifestyle Names – Again for the right girl, these could be just the thing

• Vegan – probably the #1 I see in theis category.  I get it, as they are probably seeking another vegan.
• Veggie, Veg
• Yoga
• Meditate

I might be Dangerous!

• Rebel
• Rogue
• NoRules
• Fire
• Danger
• Animal
• Pirate
• Spicy
• HarleyMan888
• Untamed
• Maverick

Proud to be me

• Geek, Geeky
• Nerdy
• Treker
• Trekie
• Robot
• Gamer

The Classics – These are total cliches.  They aren’t terrible, just massively overused.

• Guy4U, Guy4Ya, YourGuy
• Mr.RightNow
• PrinceCharming, Knight, Prince
• GreatCatch
• StopLooking, SearchEndsHere
• I’mTheOne, TheOne
• Popeye – I have no idea why this one is popular but I see it a lot
• NormalGuy, GuyNextDoor, FavoriteGuy, Regular, Average
• Smiler, Smiles, Smile
• Boy, Boyz,
• Johnny or Joe – both extremely popular
• Happy, Nice, Fun
• MacGyver – A LOT of guys make variations on that joke
• Honorable Mentions
• AllUNeedIsMe
• AverageJoe4U
• FoundIt
• DoneSearching

Animals – Used a lot, not sure why.  

• Ram
• Tiger
• Phoenix
• Dog or Dawg
• Monkey – extremely common – I have no idea why names like MonkeySmiler would help a guy out, but to each his own.

Inexplicable names – I have no idea what they were thinking…honestly I don’t.  These are all real names, I’m not kidding.

• TurtleLover
• SquirrelBoy
• Beeswax
• FrankenChicken
• BreadPudding
• BloodDonor
• PumpkinHeart
• Mudrunner – Could mean you’re into off-roading, but a woman probably won’t get the reference – this one is iffy.
• Plopgasm
• PappyAss – Personal favorite, as what the hell does it mean?  And how would it attract women?
• MarriednDating

Boring Names – Include things like

• Occupation
• Hobby
• Location – NY, SF, ATL
• Age – 1973, 1984, 1968

I usually get attracted to a photo, and then I read the profile.  Those are the two things that grab me, a boring name will NOT turn me off.  My own name on the site is fairly boring.  However a super cheesy, overly sexual, creepy, cuddly name could hurt you.  So when in doubt just call your self NYCGuySohoDentist – You’ll probably get more email!

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• Dating Online: The Liar -A Hall of Famer (julietjeskeblog.com)
• Online Dating: Advice for Men How to Pick the Best Photos for your Profile (julietjeskeblog.com)
• Dating After Divorce: Why it’s so Difficult in your Late Thirties (julietjeskeblog.com)
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