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This post is more for the men out there than the women.  But if you have spent a lot of time on dating websites you will totally relate to these suggestions.  So thanks to the handy features on WordPress, I can tell what people search for when they stumble upon this blog.  One of the saddest things that comes up a few times a week is something along the following.

“Men on dating websites, Why do my emails get ignored?”

or

“Why do women ignore me on online dating sites”

Well if it makes you feel better, everyone I know gets ignored on dating websites.  From extremely attractive young women to grandfathers looking for age appropriate sweethearts.   EVERYONE GETS IGNORED!

I tend to ignore most obvious inappropriate matches that end up in my inbox because I have found that when I respond, even in an extremely polite manner….the responses I get back are snide, angry or filled with venom.   And I get it, as no one likes rejection even if it is over something like having an allergy to cats.  So don’t sweat it, here are some common reasons why you may not hear from a lovely lady after you have sent her an email.  And think about it, would you really want the reason spelled out?  How would it help you?  The blow-off is just part of the game, don’t take it personally.

Reason #1 – You live too far away (And in NYC it might mean no more than 10-20 miles)

Typical responses – What do you mean I live to far away?  Come on I could drive to your place in 20 minutes, why are you so uptight.  Think outside of the box, Long Island to Brooklyn is really no big deal….and it can go on and on from there with increasing venom.  Look not everyone in NYC drives a car or has access to a car and they may not want to rely on a significant other to get back and forth from their place.  They might also never want to relocate, so you are better off looking locally for your dream woman.  About half of my mail comes from men in other countries and other states, I don’t get it as most men and women aren’t looking for a long-distance relationship with a total stranger.

Reason #2 – You are too old/young

Typical responses – What are you some type of ageist?  Lighten up!  You shouldn’t discriminate on age, I am a great guy and everyone who knows me knows that. (typical from an older guy) or I like older women!  I don’t care if you are 13 years older than me, we can make something happen!  You are so hot baby why do have a thing against younger guys?  And this goes on and on and on….Most women just want to date someone relatively close to their age, as most people do.  It is really not that unreasonable an expectation.

Reason #3 – They are just not attracted to you

I don’t have the heart to tell someone this.  Even though I could in most cases, and I am sure a lot of men look at my profile and think the same thing.  It is just part of dating, some guys don’t like blondes or they don’t like women who are taller than them or they like curvier women.  Personally I never want to know when this is the case, because physical attraction is never the same for two people.  I love to wear makeup, heels, skirts, dresses and sometimes curl and spray my hair.  Some men prefer an all natural woman, so they are not the men for me.  If a woman is just not flat-out attracted to your photos, you really don’t want a response.  Trust me you don’t.

Reason #4 – Lifestyle

A woman reads your profile and thinks to herself, we have nothing in common and seem to have completely different lifestyles I can’t imagine this will work out. If you work 9-5 and the woman you sent an email to works at night just arranging a first date could be hard enough much less trying to see them often.

Reason #5 – General compatibility

This could be anything from pets, religion, having children, never wanting children, political beliefs…anything could scream deal breaker to a potential partner, and they may not know how to tell you.  We are all puzzle pieces just trying to see what fits, don’t take any of this personally.  Would you really want to get a list from a woman of all the reasons she doesn’t think you will be a compatible partner?  I wouldn’t want to get that in my inbox.  Don’t worry about it and move on.

Reason #6 – Your profile is overly negative or nearly blank

Putting a list of what you don’t want or don’t like in a profile might seem productive, but it usually just turns women off.  I think the same goes for everyone.  Ranting and raving about how much dating sucks, or how horrible dating websites are is better to put on a blog than a dating profile…much like THIS blog!  HA!  Just keep your profile simple and positive.  When in doubt have a friend look over what you have written, a female friend is best, before you publish it.  Also some guys have extremely sarcastic profiles and they might work for some, but I know many women who are immediately turned off by them.  But this is no hard rule as I am sure some women love a goofy or sarcastic profile.  And if you haven’t filled out your profile don’t expect a ton of email responses, if you are getting a lot then it is just based on what you look like and you might just waste a bunch of time on dates only to then discover your date isn’t kosher with half of the things that make you, the wonderful and unique person that you are, such as political beliefs, pets, children, work schedules, hobbies….etc.

Reason #7 – Your profile photo is too overtly sexual or revealing

This one freaks out a lot of women, I don’t know what to tell you guys but men and women are generally wired very differently.  A man might find a photo of a gal in a bikini absolutely what they are looking for in a profile.  Yet when a woman looks at a man’s profile and find nearly every photo of a half-naked guy it is sometimes a huge turn-off.  I have no idea how this is for men seeking men, or women seeking women, but generally speaking if you are a straight man looking for a straight woman you are better off with more clothing on than less.  Of course there are always exceptions, some women want to see as much as possible before they meet you.  And if you are just looking for casual sex the half-naked or nearly naked photo could be EXACTLY what you need to find appropriate partners.

Reason #8 You only have one photo or no photo

This particular one drives me crazy because most of the time, the one photo is partially obscured or taken form a weird angle.  It just makes me think that the guy is married or hiding something.  I never trust a profile that only gives me a sliver of a man’s face.  And any profile with no photo is extremely suspect…it is basically how to look married on an online dating website!  HA!

Reason #9 – The woman you emailed isn’t that active on the site

I don’t really know why I do this but I just get burnt out by the whole thing and stop bothering to check emails, winks and quiver matches etc.  So you might feel dissed, but that woman might be ignoring her entire profile for months and it has nothing to do with you.  Or she might have just entered into a new relationship and isn’t sure where it is going so her profile is still up, but not really active.  There is a huge gray area when it comes to dating.  Again, don’t sweat it.

Reason #10 – The profile you emailed might be phony

I do know of people who put profiles out there as jokes, just to see what they would get.  I am also pretty sure that some dating sites use phony profiles as I have written before about eHarmony sending me “icebreakers” from users when my profile had been shutdown for over a year.  So either the profile contacting me was fake, or they were using my profile without my consent and either tactic is sleazy as hell.

So overall don’t worry about it.  The woman is probably ignoring you to spare your feelings.  No one wants a list of things that are wrong with them when all they sent was a simple “I would love to have a drink” or “Your pretty I would love to hear from you”.  Just let it go, they are not trying to hurt you.  It is hard for everyone and just hang in there.  🙂

18 comments on “Dating Online – Why you get ignored

  1. Andrew

    For me, personally, I have better luck out in the real world. Internet dating is a waste of time and money.

    But while I’m here, if you’re not attached at the minute, how about a coffee sometime 😉

  2. Kyle

    You could have a face like Paul Newman & a body like Brad Pitt and guys would still be getting ignored. Dating sites are a complete waste of time & it’s actually easier finding someone in the real world.

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  5. Bill T

    Hmmmm, judging by my experience with the online thing …. sorry, I gotta by cynical and say “Reason #3” is probably reason #1, #2, #3, #4, and #5. Maybe #6 too 🙂

    1. julietjeske

      I would disagree as almost half my mail is from guys who live too far away, even other states sometimes other countries. I don’t know why they email me in the first place, it’s just silly. The other #1 problem that I run into are men that have really negative profiles or they put something like I hate cats, or I can’t stand kids…both of which are going to be automatic disqualifications as far as I’m concerned.

      And yeah, shocking that men and women are drawn to physical attractiveness…whatever that means to a person. 🙂 For me it’s tall skinny guys, or at least skinny guys – I have no idea where it comes from but I’ve been attracted to thin men since puberty. Other women might want some big hunky guy or at least an averagely built man. It takes all kinds. And of course I have dated guys who were more average, my ex husband was ripped…so it’s not a hard rule, but thin and lean tends to turn my head more than anything else.

      I definitely think most people would rather not get an email that say…I’m sorry I’m not attracted to you…that would just burn. No one wants to hear it, even if beauty is incredibly subjective. So yeah, I ignore a lot of guys on there if not most…and I also get ignored at least half the time. It’s part of the game…and one I’m currently NOT PLAYING! HA!!!! Those sites just depress me.

      1. Jessie

        Yeah, this is so true. I don’t get why guys 100+ miles away contact me on OKC. I don’t even know how they find my profile! They’re often a low match AND far away. It baffles me, and I have no idea what they’re trying to accomplish.

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  9. Nick OSX

    I have had 98 % of things in common with someone and we have lived close to each other, still I got denied.

    1. julietjeske Post author

      Everyone does, even young gorgeous people of both genders get ignored, it’s the nature of online dating. Don’t let it get you. It literally happens to everyone. I’ve met stunning 21 year old women who get ignored by men on those sites.

  10. DGM

    The only reason I can think of is that I’m unattractive. Because I put a LOT of time into my profile, and I read the profiles of everyone I message. I’m just not attractive, and while there are things I can do to change that, it would essentially be changing who I am.

    1. Nam

      I feel you. I’ve been struggling with this along with the whole “dating site” vs real world debacle as well.

      Then I realized with all of the time I spent on my profile: the time I used to come up with something witty and inviting (None of that: “Yo, what’s up baby?” or “Hey, you’re cute” BS), and the time I used to take good pictures of myself when I don’t particularly enjoy taking photos, nor am I one of those folks who takes a picture of every single thing that they do; I realized that it’s probably a good chance that it will not work out with that particular women.

      If she wants Channing Tatum, let her go get him… Along with all of the other thousands of women in the region who want the same fellow.

      The experience is always gonna be different for males (women are always gonna receive at least 1-2 messages a day. Some receive 20 an hour).

      Fact of the matter is that there is someone out there who knows your awesome, and you’re gonna have to wait a bit longer.

      Also understand that you may have ignored her when she sent you a message 😊

  11. Jennifer Benn

    Hi @Juliet. Thanks for sharing such helpful information. Yes, there are many phony profiles on these online dating sites. I have personally experienced when I was active on the online dating sites. These profiles are really dangerous if you take them lightly. There are profile of fake women on the sites, who know the tactics how to cheat you and make you emotional by saying their fake tragic incidents. So before believing them, I must suggest to all the online daters to perform a background check on your interested dating partner for your safety.

  12. Tetsuya

    I desagree one of this reason why women ignore on dating site.It is Reason#1.I use an international dating site.I have been looking for an occidental girl(partner).Because where I live, There are no occidental people living around where I live.So I have to search them go through the international dating site.I gamble on the possibility that I will be sucseed to get married with her.
    I already experienced to meet three times all defferent girls from each countries and two of their parents I comfessed to have me your dauthers.Unfortunately I couldn’t sucseed so far, but I could have approahed them very closer.
    So Reason#1 clear off from the reasons.
    The possibility is imfinite.

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