Monthly Archives: March 2015

Dear Mom: Thank You for Working

Date: March 26, 2015
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Women and Feminism
Comments: 25 Replies

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I’m writing this in response to the much maligned article that appeared in the Huffington Post “Dear Daughter, Here’s Why I Don’t Work” by Lydia Lovric. The author takes a lot of pride in her decision to stay at home while raising her kids.  It’s great that Lovric is happy with her choice, but she also made quite a few condescending and false assumptions about working mothers.  I could break down and analyze all the rude things the author implied about working moms, but I decided to write a letter to my mother instead. Since I’m the grown daughter of a working mother.  I’m living proof that a mom can work outside the home without harming her kids.

Dear Mom, thank you for working.  You had all four of your children during the difficult recession of the seventies.  Interest rates were sky-high and the country was facing runaway inflation.  When we were toddlers, you had no choice but to stay at home, as the cost of child care would have exceeded any wage you would have earned.  Yet, as soon as we were in school you tried desperately to get a full-time job.  You didn’t work because you wanted a fancy car, vacations, nicer clothes or a bigger house, in fact you rarely spent money on yourself.  Your income paid for things like food, clothing, the electric bill and our mortgage.

Thank you Mom for working and showing me that with enough effort you can accomplish anything.  You started out with a bachelors in French, and eventually worked your way up to a Master’s Degree in education.  On your own time you got a certification to teach Spanish and enough credits that you almost got a PhD.  You did this all while working full-time as a foreign language teacher and raising four kids.

Thank you Mom for working as without your job we never could have dreamed of a higher education.

Thank you Mom for working to support us in case Dad got sick or died prematurely.

Thank you Mom for working as it made us self-sufficient and independent.

Thank you Mom for working because we know it gave you a sense of self.  You enjoyed your job even though it sometimes frustrated you.

Thank you Mom for working, as it helped you not obsess over us.  Even though you shuttled us around and were active in many of our sporting, social and academic activities, you still had other things to worry about.

Thank you Mom for teaching me that feminism isn’t a bad word.  You would never call yourself a feminist, but you believed your daughters should have the same opportunities as your sons.

Thank you Mom for working, but I would thank you if you hadn’t.  I know you love and supported all four of your children, and you would have regardless of your work situation.   No one would think to ask dad why he got up every day at 5 am to work 8-12 hours a day fixing cars.  His choices were always just accepted, while you and every other working mother face scrutiny for everything you do.  Many moms don’t have a spouse or partner.  They must work and some even work more than one job to support their kids.   Some moms choose to work because their spouse doesn’t make enough to support a family.  An increasing number of families must have dual incomes for basic survival.

Being a mom is the hardest job in the world, and it doesn’t matter if a mom works one job, two jobs, or stays at home while raising children.  Every mother is trying to do the best for her kids and her family, including moms who work simply because they enjoy having a job.  Life is one big crap shoot.  What is best for one family might be awful for another, and all mothers have their own style of parenting.  Instead of criticizing mothers for working, or not working, we should realize we’re all in this together.

I want to thank my mom one more time.  Her original plan was that she’d get married, have babies and stay at home to raise them. Her life didn’t work out that way, but was she was the best mom she could be, and I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without her.

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Dating in NYC: Love and Real Estate

Date: March 16, 2015
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Relationships, Single Life, Uncategorized
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I’ve lived in New York City now for fourteen years. I’ve been single for the past six, and I started searching for a co-op about a year ago. I couldn’t help but notice the eerie similarities between hunting for real estate and looking for love. Both are rare and precious commodities. New York City’s vacancy rate hovers around 3% and never goes above 5%.  About 3/4 of all apartments are rentals, leaving only the remaining 1/4 available to buy.  Most of the apartments on the market are co-ops that require financial gymnastics, and approval of an overly scrutinizing board. Even if you find an apartment in your budget you still have to get  80% financing and then impress upon your soon to be potential neighbors that you’re a low risk addition to their building.

Dating here is not much better, especially for single women.  New York City has 150,000 more single women than single men.  It might not seem like a huge number in a city of 8 million but it’s enough to throw off the odds a bit.  To make things worse most New Yorkers work long hours, live scattered over five boroughs and have little disposable income to throw away at dating. I’ve found it’s best to not get too emotionally attached to any one partner or property.

I once was the only person to show up at an open house for a cute prewar newly renovated studio in prime condition. Just as I was about to start the long and arduous process of making an offer, an all cash buyer walked in before I had a signed contract and snapped the property out from under me.  I watched in horror as the same scenario happened again with other properties.  In dating, I’ve had a few amazing dates with men who seemed almost perfect only to have them vanish without explanation.  My text messages went un-answered, my emails ignored and I never knew the reason.

I couldn’t help but see the similarities and the heartache that went with both, so I devised a glossary of sorts of common terms used in NYC real estate listings and how they equate with the dating scene in New York City.

Prime Location = Is the trip between Astoria and Bushwick worth it? Can a man in the Bronx find love with a woman in Staten Island? Is Queens to New Jersey even possible? Finding someone on the same subway line = prime location

Low Maintenance Costs = Cheap date

All Cash Buyer = Partners that offer everything up all at once with very little drama and no strings attached. The downside is they could flip you. Just as quickly as they find you attractive, they’ve moved on. They can just as easily make another offer as quickly as they made the first.

Unit has pre-existing long term tenant = Married.

Board Approval Required = Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, LinkedIn – everything dissected and analyzed for risk assessment. Are you friend’s with an ex? Is your job stable? Do you post NSFW videos, sports clips or cat memes? How many friends do you have? Are your tweets too personal or do you post political rants? Do you change your status update 20 times a day? Do you hardly ever check your profile? Are your photos of landscapes, or of your family

No Board Approval Sponsor Sale = The person either doesn’t know how to use the internet or doesn’t care. No questions asked as long as you fit the criteria. You are dealing with a risk taker or at last someone over 50 who doesn’t understand this thing called “the internet.”

Move in Condition = Easy going personality, no glaring compatibility issues, similar hobbies and interests.

Needs TLC = Major emotional baggage – divorce, nasty breakups, children from a previous marriage. – Anything that might need fixing or at least managed.

Pet Friendly = Deal breakers or selling points depending on your allergies or your furry friends.

Building has Bad Financials = A date has bad financials – no job, huge debt, poor credit

Seller is Seeking All Cash Buyer = Just someone looking to hookup

Lack of Inventory = Are you a woman over 35? Then you know exactly what this means. Most men in your age group are married or at least coupled up. You’re going to have to look a lot harder for what you want, or settle for someone much younger or older.  It’s not as a big of a problem for men.  If you’re wondering why, it’s called babies, biological clocks and a patriarchal culture that values younger women over older.   Although no one is immune, both genders can have unrealistic age standards when it comes to dating.

As impossible as the New York Real estate market is right now, I’ve had far more luck finding a new apartment, then a partner.  Let me rephrase that for emphasis.  I’ve actually had an easier time finding an affordable apartment in a year than I have finding a partner in the nearly six years I’ve been divorced.  I’m not even kidding.  In my search for an apartment I had the help of an attorney and real estate agent.  I also looked EVERYWHERE from the far reaches of Brooklyn, to Queens, upper Manhattan and even parts of the Bronx.  I called and emailed at one point about 25-30 agents and saw as much property as I could possibly fit into my schedule.  There wasn’t much on the market in my price range but I viewed everything within reason.

I’ve basically tried the same approach to dating in that at this point I’ve probably been on at least 25-35 dates.  Most have been awkward and painful and a few men have had full blown meltdowns.  I’ve been out with men who complained about their ex-wives the whole time, bragged about their drug use, openly insulted me, or expected sex on the first date.   The vast majority of emails I’ve gotten on online dating websites have been from men under age 25 or guys looking for no strings attached sex.  Most of them men who do contact me never follow through with a date. So far nothing has worked, and I haven’t gone out with anyone for more than two or three dates in over five years.

For now, I’ll just settle for the apartment of my dreams rather than any prince charming.  Real estate is more stable anyway, it won’t have a midlife crisis and leave me for a younger seller, develop a substance abuse problem, grow mean and bitter and blame me for all it’s shortcomings, develop a gambling or ignore me and go play golf.  It may not cuddle at night but it will increase in value, and in the end I might get lucky and unload it to an all cash buyer.  I certainly couldn’t ask for such certainty with a new boyfriend.

My whole real estate search also made me ask some questions about myself.  I’m definitely a pet friendly unit with good financials and low maintenance, but one that needs some TLC.  I’d also say my board is fairly strict and rather picky of any potential candidate but the opportunity for a long-term investment is solid.  Now, if I could just find the right buyer, I’d be all set.

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