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City of Sluts the Aftermath

Date: September 6, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Gay Husband, Huffington Post, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 8 Replies

If you haven’t yet read the original blog post here is the link.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/juliet-jeske/dating-after-divorce-in-a_b_944133.html#comments

I had been writing this blog for a while and it was slowly but surely becoming more and more popular. On the advice of a friend, I decided to take my most popular post and submit it to the divorce section of the Huffington Post. I had been published numerous times in the comedy section but always in the form of satire videos. This was my first attempt at getting anything I had written published online or elsewhere.

I had no idea of the insane amount of popularity the post would generate. I didn’t know the editor beforehand, and she took a couple of days to get back to me. She thought the article was well written and she liked my voice, so she decided to run it as the lead story for labor day weekend. I don’t think either one of us had any idea that it would cause such a fervor.

Most of the feedback that I have gotten has been positive, and my twitter account went from about 260 followers to over 650 in a matter of a couple of days and is still climbing. The article got picked up by a number of news sources on the internet and the readers kept rising. Right now the story has been favorited almost 5,000 times on Facebook and has over a thousand comments. I have received personal email, subscribers to this blog, fans added to my youtube account, and fans added to my facebook account.

The criticism has been so diverse I have to break it down in sections. I find it stunning that so many people had such different reactions to the piece.

  • I hate men
  • I hate women
  • I hate sex
  • I am misrepresenting polyamorous people – I honestly don’t know much about the lifestyle but I really don’t have a problem with people who are openly polyamorous
  • I should move to another city
  • Several people have told me they have the exact same problem in their city
  • I am somehow Christian or pro-Christian – I am staunchly non-religious and identify as agnostic
  • I am fat or unattractive – I am 5’7″ and a size 4, I am nowhere near fat, unattractive is in the eye of the beholder I guess but I am not even close to being overweight.
  • I should have stayed married – Well my husband was gay so that wasn’t going to happen
  • I was somehow spoiled by my ex-husband and now I am bitter – that is so far off the mark it isn’t funny.
  • I am whiny and negative – Well I guess but if it was an article that just stated how happy I was I doubt anyone would have read it.
  • I have had numerous people give me dating advice – some good, some crazy
  • I need to lower my standards and date older men, younger men, or less attractive men
  • I have also had several men ask me out, or want to start a correspondence with me online
  • I should love myself more
  • I am attracting the wrong kind of men because of something I am doing
  • I deserve to be alone because I am a bitch
  • But I have gotten a tremendous amount of people saying they are going through the exact same thing, and that they completely agree with me!!!!!!!

I obviously struck a nerve or it wouldn’t have caused so many people to respond.  My general response to anyone who gets seriously worked up over this article or anything else that I write is this…

Write your own blog and try to submit it somewhere and see what happens.

I only glance through the comment section as there is no way I could or would want to read all of them, so it is honestly wasted energy on anyone making a comment.  But I do find it hysterical how people literally project their own agenda on to a fairly straight forward article.

I basically say, I don’t like feeling pressured to have sex with  a virtual stranger, and that if people like that behavior and it works for them then great!  I also point out that both men and women and people of all sexual orientations engage in promiscuous behavior.   I never say my way is better than another choice, nor do I tell people how to live.  But that doesn’t stop the comments.

So thank you to all of the people who have supported the article, and to my detractors well there is no such thing as bad publicity so keep it up!  HA!!! 🙂  Oh and if anyone knows of any PAID writing assignments send them my way!  HA!!!  I am an unpaid blogger for the Huffington Post, I am not a reporter, I am not a published author.  I make very little money as a performer, but I do perform all over New York city.  Since leaving my husband my income has been devastated as I used to work with him, so I am just looking for a place to land.  Will write for food!  HA! 🙂

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Dating after Divorce – The Fairy Tale is Over

Date: July 30, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Uncategorized
Comments: 11 Replies

I tell my mother almost every time we speak.

“Mom, dating is just a different game when you are divorced and over 35″

I left my husband because after a total of nine years together, seven of which were as a married couple, he came out as a homosexual.  I really had no choice but to end the marriage, and one of the worst things since leaving him has been what feels like a life sentence of being alone.  Again, I know that sounds bleak, but dating in New York is difficult, dating in New York after being divorced and over the prime years of your life is next to impossible.

The real differences that I see are in my friends that are about a decade or so younger than myself.  Many of which are now getting engaged, married or moving in together.  They have that youthful giddiness and excitement that is rare in people past a certain age.  Not to say that being 38 is old, because it is not, but it isn’t the same as being 28.  My friends who are approaching marriage all believe that they will beat the odds.  They look at their partners with that look of pure love and adoration in which all of their problems will be solved through this perfect mate.  Both men and women get like this and it is a sweet thing to see.   But the same quality is rare in those of us who have lived a little bit longer, and had what we thought was the relationship to last forever, crumble before our eyes.

Even though I don’t look my age, I openly admit that I am 38 to anyone who cares to know.  I know as a performer I should try to keep this secret, but since my career consists mainly of performing in bars, I don’t really worry about the public knowing the year of my birth.  It’s not like I am losing jobs because of my age, as I am not getting much of anything offered to me to begin with.  And I look at it this way; I have lived a life, I am not a young kid and I don’t hide it.

My problem with dating, is that at first I had the expectation that it would be just like when I was in my twenties.  Men would be more excited and enthusiastic about wanting to date me, they would have higher expectations about the relationship and once committed it might last at least a few months.  But what I have found is men that are too wrapped up in their own divorce dramas, too busy raising children from a previous marriage, too involved in their jobs, or just too jaded to feel vulnerable enough to commit to another person.   I can only speak of my own experience, but I hear the same thing from men about divorced single mothers, or divorced women.

And then of course there are those that I have written about before on this blog.  The men and women who are just not the committed relationship partner type, and never will be.   They are in their early forties and have never lived with a partner much less been married or engaged.  For multiple reasons such as, personal preference, demanding jobs, lifestyle habits, personality problems, or simply the love of being single they will never marry or commit to one partner for any length of time.  Then there are all of those age appropriate men that are married or in a committed long-term relationship and aren’t going to be single any time soon, if ever again.

So given this, I have had to readjust my expectations of dating.  It is an extremely difficult adjustment for me but now when trying to date I have come to expect the following

  • Expect to see the person less, than I would like.
  • Expect the relationship to fall apart with very little warning – It seems the older people get, the quicker they will abandon a relationship they don’t think is working.  At least that has been my observation from my own experience and my friends.
  • Realize that a potential partner might be overwhelmed with caring for children, so much so that I don’t get the attention I used to getting in a relationship
  • Have to help the partner deal with their own sense of loss from a divorce
  • Help the partner deal with anger or an ongoing war with their former spouse or girlfriend.
  • Learn not to rely on a partner for as much emotional support as I was used to in my marriage
  • Expect more guarded, and wounded people in the dating pool

With all of these obstacles it just comes down to a position of how much can a person deal with, and what is worth it for the bigger picture.  So a new guy may not call me every day, but is that so horrible?  And I may only get to see him once a week or even less, but as I am a busy person myself, do I need to see them more?  I have to take every man on a case by case basis, what is tolerable and what is unacceptable.

And honestly when I look around at my circle of friends I tend to see this pattern over and over again.  The younger couples have the excitement I remember from my early to mid-twenties.  While the older couples seem more practical and subdued, they also seem to date less.

It is as if as a divorced person we don’t believe in fairy tales anymore because our own fairy tale for whatever reason was destroyed.  So a partner may not consume our lives and hearts and minds as they did when we were younger.  I no longer expect a man to fall “head over heels” in love with me anymore.  And I don’t know if I necessarily want that anyway, because at one point in my life it is how I felt about my husband.  And that enthusiasm is exactly what blinded me to reality that he kept so carefully guarded.

I know there are exceptions, and some people really do get amazing romances the second or third or even forth time around.  I haven’t seen a lot of evidence that it is going to happen for me and I am not expecting it anymore.  But I can’t completely give up hope, at least I am not looking at the situation with rose-colored glasses.   And as I say all the time

“Dating in your late thirties after a divorce is just a different game”

I just have to learn how to play it.

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Dating in NYC – A city of SLUTS

Date: May 4, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 39 Replies
New York City

New York City (Photo credit: kaysha)

This is the earlier version of a post that I submitted to the Huffington Post.  So it might seem familiar to you if you read the shorter more streamlined version.  I just wanted to point that out in case anyone was confused.  Basically after I wrote this one, and got overwhelmingly positive feedback from it I was encouraged to submit to HuffPo.  Although I have posted in the comedy section before the divorce editor did not know me from Adam, and I didn’t even know if they would publish me much less feature me.  So to any bloggers out there who want more traffic and a larger audience, just do what I did, and you might get lucky.  I love how the internet has a level of democratization to it.   You don’t have to go to an expensive Ivy league school or know the right people…anyone can self-publish!  So do it!  I had to cut this post in half, as the Huffington Post suggests 500-800 words, this was something like 1600.  🙂

It seems since I left my husband I have been unable to do a number of things, I won’t list them all here, but the most frustrating lost skill is the ability to date.  That is, date anyone for any significant length of time.   Admittedly it is a bit of a problem because I am out of practice as I was with my husband for a total of nine years.  And after nine years together in a committed relationship I have extreme difficulty navigating the nuanced dance that is dating.    One can not be too direct, overly eager, needy, desperate, clingy, emotional, commitment pressuring, or baby daddy seeking.  And at the same time not be too cold, aloof, bitchy, mean, shallow, negative or distant.  And never shit talk an ex in front of anyone, or even talk about an ex in any capacity, even if the past nine years of your life was living and working with him!!!!   Then there are the crazy games of when to text, email or call, when not to get back to a person and when to answer immediately, when to act interested and disinterested and when to completely blow them off in the hopes that they will come running back after you have ignored them a while.  The last tactic being one I absolutely loathe as it goes against everything about me.   As a person who is by nature very direct and to the point, dating is a mystery wrapped in an enigma to me.

I am also straight edge in that I don’t drink alcohol often and I do absolutely no drugs.  Now mind you I hang out with a bunch of artistic types so this can really make life difficult for me, as the majority of my friends use at least one if not more substances on a regular basis.   I am not judging anyone, and I have no problem with my friends that are regular pot users or heavy drinkers.  I am perfectly comfortable for the most part hanging with my friends, but it can make me a less than attractive partner in some eyes because of my drug and alcohol-free lifestyle.  Add to that my vegetarian diet of over 20 years and my two cats, and for some that is just too many deal breakers to handle for many men.

But the most distressing behavior that I really can’t justify or figure out in New York is the casual sex hook up mating habits that I frankly have no desire to engage in.  Yes, I know I get on stage and joke and tell a blue streak of obscenities and adult themed humor, but in my personal life I am a committed relationship type of gal.  I make no illusions to being anything but this, and I do not judge others for their behavior.  If a poly amorous life of multiple lovers works for a person, then I say go for it.   Or if a string of emotionally detached one-night stands with perfect strangers is what makes a person happy then great.  But I know there are others like me that aren’t wired this way, and seek something more substantial and with some level of greater commitment both emotionally and sexually.  I have a myriad of friends who complain all the time

“I am not slutty enough for this city”. 

And I can relate.

I have made failed attempts at living a Sex in the City style life of hooking up with partners for something casual, and every time I have tried it the results have been disastrous.   I either am disgusted by the man, or the man won’t stop calling.  I had one man who kept calling me for months afterward, another who rudely told me about his other women, and yes there is a polite way to handle this, and yet another who had what I would call a mild breakdown in my apartment about how he couldn’t handle the “gray area”.  So I realized, I am not this person, I need to be true to myself so I went back to my serious relationship commitment roots.   But no matter how much I keep trying to go for a traditional path, the hook-up scenario keeps rearing its ugly head.

Just the other night an attractive man was coming on to me HARD.  He was so obnoxious and obvious about it that a bunch of my friends noticed and even some of his friends were trying to set us up.  But I had never met this man in my life and to be quite honest his overly aggressive approach was off-putting.  He was also over a decade younger than me and was a bit of a jock.  Not exactly the brainy nerdy guys that I normally find much more compelling.  I like a man who can intellectually stimulate me, plus pretty boy jocks tend to get women easily, and as I always say….

He who gets the pussy easily, does not treat the pussy well.

And that tends to be true.   So I was mildly deflecting his advances when a much younger and age appropriate woman arrived on the scene.  Eventually Mr. Meathead instantly moved on to her, I had no idea if she knew the show he was putting on in front of me or how aggressive he had been.  Would it have mattered to her?  I doubt it.  She was young, she hadn’t learned some basics about men yet.  That any guy who is that attractive and that aggressive towards women is not what you would call relationship material.  And maybe to her credit that wasn’t what she was looking for anyway.  I couldn’t care less.  I knew I wasn’t going to sleep with him or do anything else with him that evening so if she wanted the pretty boy jock she could have him.  And part of my ego was stroked anyway in that he approached me first, and I was 16 years her senior.  So for bragging rights, at least I have that!  She went up to him.  He went up to me!  I have to take what I can get!  HA!  The same girl was chatting up another male friend of mine earlier in the night.  So much so that I thought they might be dating.  Little did I know, it seemed she may have been looking for whatever was the best option available that evening.  Or maybe she just met her future husband last night.  I don’t really care.   Whatever works for her!!

I find this all the time when dating.  It is just sort of expected by many that you start the physical part of the relationship first, and then see if either partner wants to continue after you have had sex.  Sort of a try before you buy situation.  Sex before emotional attachment, sex before any form of relationship, sex before everything.  Or  what I like to call how to be treated like something in between a booty call and a girlfriend.   And as a person who doesn’t like being treated poorly, these setups are not usually to my liking.

  • The guy will call or text when he wants to hookup but that is about it.
  • You are supposed to be on call to wait for the opportunity and then run to see him
  • Don’t reveal too much about yourself, but listen to him complain about his trials and tribulations
  • Don’t expect commitment, or exclusivity
  • Don’t expect any emotional bonding
  • Don’t expect much effort on his part to impress you, or make you feel like you are important in his life.

Not exactly what I call fun, but again everyone is different and for some people this situation is ideal.   What I find frustrating is that if you really want to get to know a guy first before having sex with him, it seems like there is no end to the women who will jump into bed with them.   And this isn’t to say that only men do this, as women engage in the same behavior.  But I didn’t think that in order to try to have a healthy sustained relationship with a person I am supposed to have sex with them hours or even minutes after meeting them.  It seems more like long-term relationship suicide.   Sure the sexual relationship might be great at first, but sex doesn’t really hold much together as far as compatibility in concerned.  Sex is usually the mortar between the bricks but the bricks have to line up or the whole thing collapses.

I know there a plenty of men and women who are frustrated like myself out there.   I hear it all the time from my friends, sometimes they think the fast life of hookups and one-night stands, friends-with-benefits, or fuck-buddies is working for them.  But they soon grow tired of it and want something steady with one person.  But what are we supposed to do when everyone around us seems to be whoring it up?   If a guy can so easily get no-strings attached sex, and then never see the woman again if he chooses, then why would they try for anything else?  And when a man is tired of the hook-ups himself, how does he then make the transition to getting to know a woman when he has been hooking-up for years?  Of course the same goes for women, and people of all sexual orientations and persuasions.    When do you decide to stop and settle down?  And when you do settle down, then what?

And in the online dating field, I will occasionally get a man from out-of-town send me an email announcing he will be in New York city in a couple of weeks and would love to “have coffee” with me.  As if “having coffee” has turned into the ultimate euphemism for anonymous sex with a stranger.  Funny how drinking a hot caffeinated beverage is somehow the equivalent of sex with no strings.    Again I am sure some women will go for it, but what kind of women? How likely are they to look like their actual photo? Or not be a total psycho?  Or not be a scam artist?  I bet some men have tried these arrangements only to wake up in a strange hotel room hours later missing their computer, their wallet and anything else of value.

Is it survival of the sluttiest?  I have friends that are in committed relationships and seem happy and most of them didn’t meet by having sex with total strangers.   There are no real rules with relationships and sometimes sleeping with a someone you barely know leads to years of coupled bliss.  This city doesn’t make things easy and I have trust issues on top of everything due to my divorce.  I ask myself this question almost daily…

Do I have to change who I fundamentally am as a person in order to survive the dating scene in New York city?

I keep answering, no, but I am not so sure how much longer I can live like this.

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Dating After Divorce – The Shiny Penny Syndrome

Date: April 12, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 4 Replies

A friend of mine and long-term resident of New York complained to me a few years ago about a dating problem she called “The Shiny Penny Syndrome”.  A shiny penny is any of the brilliant, talented, gorgeous and single dwellers of Gotham.  The problem arises when someone trying to date one person but can’t help but be distracted by all of the other “shiny pennies” that seem within reach.  In a city full of humanity, there are always new humans to try out.  At the time my friend was sharing her struggles trying to date I thought to myself.

“I am so glad that I’m married” 

About a year later I was divorced, and instead of a bright shiny new copper penny, I felt like a beat-up, scuffed up and used up 1 cent coin.   I was damaged goods entering a field of less flawed, complicated and younger currency.

The current dating culture, both online and around town feeds into this the shiny penny phenomena.  People meet in bars and go home with virtual strangers, only to meet up again, or disappear forever, whatever they please.  Some men and women do this for years before they finally decide to settle down.  And then what?  If they have been super ultra casual with partners for years, it is going to be a real challenge to suddenly become super ultra committed.  A relationship, takes work, time, energy and focus.  But many with demanding jobs or lifestyles don’t want to waste the time nurturing and tending to a new partner’s needs.  So they constantly start from scratch with hybrids of pseudo-dating, friends with benefits or trying to date but rarely actually seeing their partner.  They don’t see themselves as the problem but rather that their partner is simply not the best they could get.

  • What if someone better comes along?
  • What if someone younger, prettier, stronger, richer, nicer, funnier, shorter, taller…etc.
  • What if I could find someone who lived closer?
  • What if I could find someone with the exact same interests as myself? 
  • What if the next person could help me out in my career?
  • What if I could find someone my parents or friends would like?

Because of the nature of becoming completely anonymous and so effortlessly getting lost in the sea of humanity, people have a tendency to behave badly and get away with it.  It is true of both genders and all sexual orientations.  Meet someone outside your work and social group, and the minute you stop dating them, they can so easily vanish never to be heard from again.  Which in some aspects is good, but in others it just encourages the cruelest and nastiest of behavior.   And when everyone is their own island, it is difficult to find out a person’s reputation before getting involved with them.   So those with the most deceptive or shallow dating habits can go through lovers with little consequence.  And from what I have heard from people all over the world, the Shiny Penny Syndrome is not just relegated to big cities like New York  but has become a universal problem.

For people newly divorced the sea of shiny pennies is especially difficult to navigate.  Divorce can be entirely devastating to one or both spouses.  Going from a long-term relationship with the same partner and then feeling like you have to compete in a shallow and disposable dating environment is a rude wake-up call.  So what is to be done about this?

I have found that fellow divorced people tend to make the best fit for myself and my other friends who have been divorced.  Another person who has gone through a divorce is usually much less judgmental of the scars, dents and damage that my not-so-shiny penny has been through.  And a divorced person has at least tried to have a committed long-term relationship.  Marriages end for all sorts of reasons, and in many cases there is little one partner can do to keep it together.   I don’t exclusively seek out divorced men, but I do know that generally speaking they are likely to be more empathetic to my situation.

I am not searching for the brightest shiniest penny on the planet, I just want the penny that fits well with my own.   And I know there is no such thing as a perfect match or partner.  I will just continue to look beyond the perfection seekers and find a fellow copper coin that has been through that has had a little wear and tear like myself.

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Dating – The Old Carrot and Stick Approach

Date: March 24, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce
Comments: 2 Replies
Carrot & Stick, is an idiom that refers to a p...

Carrot & Stick, is an idiom that refers to a policy of offering a combination of rewards and punishment to induce behavior. Türkçe: Havuç ve sopa, İngilizce deyim. İyi davranışı ödüllendirme, kötü davranışı da cezalandırma anlamına gelir. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So if you are not familiar with the phrase “Carrot and Stick” I don’t know the origin but it refers to the act of getting  a donkey to move by placing a dangling carrot on the end of a stick near his nose to temp forward motion.  The act is somewhat cruel in that the donkey keeps thinking it will get the carrot, but no matter how hard it tries, the carrot is always just out of its reach.

I have really been out of the dating pool for almost a decade, and I can’t say I am doing well in my attempts at dating in any capacity.  I attract lots of age inappropriate men, both too young and too old.  I also attract plenty of men who just want to have a sexually based relationship with as little emotional attachment possible.  And I attract stalker types, which are the most distressing.

But since I have been out of it for so long, one change that I have seen since my twenties is the “carrot and stick” approach so many men use when trying to win me over.  Sometimes there are subtle and sometimes they are not so subtle.

  • I could get you voice over work
  • You know I could open up some professional opportunities for you
  • I could get you a job in my office
  • I could record your demo in my recording studio
  • I would be your sugar daddy (And yes, that was the exact phrase )

Now as someone who has worked in the entertainment industry, I can assure you the casting couch is alive and well.  Sometimes it is subtle such as

  • “I think we need to spend some time together before I take you on as a client, can I take you out for a drink?”

and sometimes not so subtle

  • “If you sleep with me, I will make sure you get a part in my next project.”

Most of western culture has been set up this way for centuries.  Up until recent history women were relegated to little more than another piece of property to barter and trade.  So since women are in some ways still viewed as a commodity, some men think they need to offer up something in return for our companionship and loving devotion.  And women do this too, not only do they play into these informal bargaining agreements, they also openly sell their wares in the form of prostitution or they many variations of relationships that have some direct monetary incentive involved.  Straight women, gay women, gay men, straight men, bisexuals and transgendered there are examples of this across the spectrum.  I don’t judge others actions or life choices.  If this type of situation works out for both parties, then it really isn’t my concern.  But this is not what I want in a relationship.

For me I just see it has a profoundly insecure thing to do on the part of the man.  I mean when do these situations work out well?  And wouldn’t they want a woman to like them for who they are rather than for what they may or may not give them?  Some guys go out of their way to become sugar daddies, thinking that the more money, power and influence they can throw around the more USDA prime pussy they can attract.  But to most of the outside world, the older man with the much younger and more attractive woman is something to pity, not envy.   Even men will comment on how pitiful some of these situations appear.  We can never say what is actually going on in any relationship like these because maybe the woman is indeed attracted to man’s winning personality.  A twenty year age difference? Maybe.  It really does depend on the specific individuals.  But a thirty or forty year age difference?  Isn’t it just obvious that the younger party is in it for something more than the sparkling personality, charm and sex appeal of the older partner?

Typical scenarios include the young widow suing the rest of the family for a larger share of her inheritance, the much younger bride openly carrying on with the pool boy, the younger wife murdering her wealthy husband for the insurance money and inheritance.  The stepchildren annoyed and humiliated by the new spouse who is only a couple of years their senior.  The gold digger who publicly degrades the entire families reputation.  And then there is the celebrity or wealthy businessman that keeps trading in wives every few years for the younger version.

What is a relationship anyway?  Just another extension of our capitalistic based religion of free markets and constant never-ending growth?  Are spouses and partners merely an extension of how well we are doing in the world?

I was briefly what is commonly described as a “trophy girlfriend” many years ago.  At first it was exciting to date someone with a high paying fast-moving career, but then the shine wore off.  After all a trophy is just supposed to sit on the shelf and look pretty.  It isn’t supposed to have a point of view, or talk, or decide its own future, its own destiny or have any obligations whatsoever except to the person who put it on the shelf.  So after that brief relationship I adopted a new rule, a person doesn’t have to be overly ambitious or well off.  My only criteria is that they not be as bad off as myself.  And I make next to nothing, so that includes nearly every man I know.  🙂

I don’t trust the “carrot” and I wish men would stop pulling this crap on me.  I want to make my own money, and control my own life.  Right now I am in a bit of a funk and maybe that is what is really causing this phenomena.  They see a weakness and pounce.  I would rather meet someone who just liked me and supported what I did, and didn’t try to win me over with promises of materialistic and monetary glory.   Don’t we all want that?  Someone who will support us, not overly judge us, and not try to change or mold us into some idealized version of perfection?  Maybe I am just naive in thinking that this isn’t just how things go, or maybe guys in their twenties simply didn’t have anything to offer, and that is why this is all new to me.   In any event I find it rather sleazy.  I want to grow my own carrots and eat them when I feel like, and have a partner that is perfectly OK with that situation.  Is that really so crazy a concept?

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Dating Online – Mr. Online ONLY

Date: February 8, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 9 Replies
English: Cybersex

English: Cybersex (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The longer I have been single, the more I have come to realize that logic has about as much to do with dating as subtly has to do with holiday window displays.   Human beings just don’t act rationally.  Online dating has made this abundantly clear.

Mr. Online Only

  • Age – Any Age
  • Never married, divorced, anything goes
  • You NEVER actually meet them, so their whole profile could be a farce.

Mr. Online ONLY is exactly as his name describes.  For whatever reason, these gentlemen prefer to chat online, and will NEVER meet up with you.  They will instead:

  • Make a million excuses
  • Cancel right before the date
  • Stand you up
  • Arrive at the meeting place but not approach you, only later tell you that they showed up and got scared
  • Invent accidents, emergency situations etc. to excuse their behavior.

What causes this type of behavior?  I don’t really know but I have some ideas….

  • Suppressed homosexuality
  • Fear of rejection
  • Anti-social behavior
  • Unresolved issues with another relationship
  • Emotionally cheating on their spouse or girlfriend
  • An ego trip of keeping correspondence with several women at a time
  • Agoraphobia
  • Deep rooted insecurities
  • False representation – Their entire online identity is a ruse.

They will NEVER actually meet up, or physically see you.  What they would rather have is a fantasy they can play out in their mind as they type away. The first sign that you are dealing with an Online Only type: They avoid making time to see you, yet they want to maintain constant correspondence with you online. They push for emotional intimacy without any physical contact.  You might find it sweet or endearing, but in most cases the physical contact is never going to happen.  The online relationship is all they can handle.  If you insist on meeting up and some of these men will become defensive and even hostile.  Others will continually dodge the question, constantly making excuses.

You will never know

  • Is their profile information accurate?
  • Is the photo even of them?
  • Are they in a committed relationship or married and is this just one big game for them?

A recent article in New York magazine  discusses how some men have grown so used to virtual “relationships” with women in porn, that they become sexually dysfunctional when with the real thing.  A sad situation indeed.  Many Mr. Online’s will want to have cyber sex with you either over the phone, or through email or instant messaging.  Because they will never see you, this is the most you are going to get from a man like this.  Not exactly satisfying and you have no way of knowing what is actually happening on his end of the computer.  Is he showing your emails or messages to his friends for a laugh?  Is he publishing them somewhere on a blog?  Is he with another woman while talking to you online?  Since you don’t know, it is probably a bad idea to get into a situation like this.

I once had correspondence with a man I could tell was emailing several women at the same time.  I figured it out when he couldn’t seem to keep track of details or things I had written.  Finally I could tell he wasn’t actually reading the emails I sent him, at least not in full.  The whole endeavor was rather pathetic since my emails were so brief.  Even a full-page email is a few minutes worth of reading.  In his case I suspect, he maintained correspondence with multiple women to feed his inflated and fragile ego.  Once I figured this out, he became a bit of a joke to me.  Luckily that relationship never went any further than mildly flirtatious chats online.

What to do if you encounter someone like this online?  See the signs quickly and don’t take the bait.  There is a reason they refuse to ever meet you.  Their entire identity might be a complete fabrication. Cut them some slack but if the problem persists for an excessive amount of time, cut them loose.

Women also pull this trick, and it is often an actual scam.  The women will contact men, lead them on through promises of love and devotion, maybe even engage in some cyber sex only to eventually beg for money to come for a visit.  The man sends her the cash, and then waits like a fool at the airport for his dream girl who never arrives.  Some of these scams are so elaborate that the photo is of a model or even a stock photo, and the person on the other end of the emails is a man located in another country.   They call this one the lonely hearts scam.

Why would anyone put up with this for months in some cases years?  Virtual relationships aren’t entirely real.  A person we are chatting to online can’t hurt us in the same way a physical lover might.  At least that’s what we tell ourselves.  One viewing of the television show or film Catfish will show much heartache and pain when lovers discover their online romances were complete fabrications. Somehow we want to believe so strongly that a stranger on the other end of a computer is deeply in love with us and our perfect match.  The online version is a mirage, a fairy tale we tell ourselves.

I get about an email a day or several a week from men out-of-state, some from different countries.  I have gotten emails from Pakistan, Morocco, Spain, Germany, France, Ireland and on and on.  Why?  What woman would think starting correspondence with a man in another country would be a good idea?  After my divorce I trust little of what comes out of a strange man’s mouth, and sadly I check as much as I possibly can online.   How lonely does a person have to get to think that some man in a far off country, they have never met,  is the only man for them?  Rub the fairy dust out of your eyes and see reality.  There are available men and women everywhere.  Anyone trying to talk to you from a foreign country is probably up to no good.   Green card, scams, kidnapping…..whatever.  RUN!  If a man doesn’t want to see your lovely face, then he is not that man for you.  A virtual relationship is no substitute for a real one, don’t settle for a man online when you can have a man in real-time.  You’re much better off with the flawed and imperfect real man than a perfectly fictitious virtual one.

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Dating Online – Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual

Date: February 5, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, New York City
Comments: 4 Replies

My article about men that I have dubbed the “Wife Shoppers” was so popular, I thought I would keep it going with their counterpart….Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual. I have also called them “Player Light”

  • Age – Any age, but then tend to be younger…under 35
  • Marital Status – Most have never been married
  • Most have no children – although they come in all types
  • Usually attractive and in shape, but not always
  • Not liberal with compliments towards you in any way – This would give you too much power in their minds, so don’t expect a lot of praise or adoration
  • Emotionally distant

The Introduction – Early into the correspondence, or into the first meeting of “Let’s Keep it Casual” the man will lay his cards out on the table.  A technique that some of my male psychology books call….announcing the exit strategy.  The give you the endgame before the game has even started lines like

  • “I don’t get emotionally involved”
  • “I like to keep things casual”
  • “I am not looking for anything serious”
  • “I am really busy and I don’t have time to commit to one person”
  • “I like to date multiple women at the same time” – At least he is being honest, so if you are OK with that then go for it, just don’t expect it to change.
  • “My ex really messed me up, so I can’t bond with anyone on a deep level right now” – Sadly I’ve encounted a few men who just use this as a line.  Take this one with a grain of salt.

They are all basically saying the same thing.  Look, don’t even think about considering me boyfriend material.  I respect the bluntness and honesty, and they are laying the groundwork for when a woman might push for something more they will say, and mean it.

  • “Look, I told you where I stood before we even got together”

The Plan of Action – They might send a friendly text, always when they are already out, or available, usually in the evening or weekends asking What is up? They don’t ask personal questions, they don’t send personal emails of any length or importance.  Generally they don’t use the phone for anything other than text messages.  Most correspondence is just about getting sex when they want it, and on their terms. They are hoping that you will drop whatever you are doing, meet up with them.  They don’t have to take you out to dinner, or a movie, they don’t have to spend any real time getting to know you, they don’t have to spend any money on you except maybe a few drinks and they get sex when it is convenient for them.  I call them “Player Light” because unlike a player, at least they are fairly upfront an honest about their intentions.   So if you are open to a sexually based relationship with little else….these boys might be for you.

The reality though, is that these relationships rarely work out according to plan.  Now I have plenty of friends that openly live a polyamorous lifestyle of having several lovers scattered all over the city and they are perfectly happy with that situation.  Not everyone is happy in a traditional monogamous relationship, and they aren’t meant to live within the constrains of one.

What tends to happen, is that Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual might end up treating you like a low grade girlfriend.   If a situation like this goes on long enough, the man will ultimately start dumping his emotional baggage either before or after sex.  But he set up such rigid standards on the relationship, don’t expect that he’ll be as open to you doing the same.  Most women engage in soul purging all day long with their female friends so it isn’t exactly unheard of for a woman to treat a man, especially one they are having sex with, in the same way.  Human beings aren’t robots, and our brain chemistry alone goes a bit berserk after an orgasm, so it is natural to bond on a deeper level with a sexual partner, especially after a period of time.   So good luck on keeping things completely unemotional with Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual, unless of course you simply “tap it” a few times and then never again.

If the woman takes the initiative and actually dictates when they “hang out” then Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual might protest that they are being needy.   Because so many times, Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual is really just saying I want what I want, when I want it, and if you aren’t cool with that, then forget it.  It is a selfish and immature way of dealing with a partner of any kind.

The biggest trap when dealing with a man like this is the concept of the magical power of the vagina.  Many think their winning personality and great sex will somehow win a guy over and CHANGE HIM!  Sure this could happen, but it probably won’t.  If a man tells you right off the bat that they aren’t looking for anything beyond a sexual relationship, they probably mean it. He probably will never see you in a different light because you entered the situation with the cards stacked against you.    And just because he starts to bitch about his problems at work or how his ex-girlfriend never understood him, doesn’t mean you have won him over.   If you want a no strings attached sexual partner, these guys might be perfect for you.  But if you want something more….keep looking.

One of the main things that attracts me to a man is his intellect and point of view, so a Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual, really bores me.  They won’t allow me to get to know them on anything but a base carnal level.  So at least for a girl like myself, they don’t really stimulate me all that much.  I like to be intrigued by a man, on a deeper level than simply wondering when the next text message of “What’s Up?“ is going to arrive.  When they use text speck such as “Hey grl what U doing?  R U kk?”  It’s like a million cold showers all at once.  If you are going to try to hook up with me, at least write in full sentences and use proper English.

The other trap is that a man who is in serious relationship or married might seek a casual relationship in order to cheat.  They won’t want to bond with you, because they are just using you for sex.  This has nearly happened to me a few times, luckily I’ve always discovered the truth before I fell for it.

When I’ve found myself on dates with guys like this, I just think of my own exit strategies.  I might make them think they have a shot with me, as it just makes the date much more pleasant.   They don’t know the minute I hear a line like “I don’t get emotionally attached” I have already given up.  The only people I can think of that really don’t get emotionally attached are sociopaths…..and do I really want to date one of those?

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