Dating Online

Dating Online – Mr. Houdini

Date: February 9, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, New York City, Relationships
Comments: 12 Replies
Harry Houdini, full-length portrait, standing,...

Harry Houdini, full-length portrait, standing, facing front, in chains (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Who is Mr. Houdini?

  • Any age
  • Any profession or economic background
  • Usually has an outgoing, confident demeanor
  • Extremely enthusiastic about dating you
  • Aggressive in their approach

A typical scenario with Mr. Houdini goes like this.

  1. You meet up after corresponding online
  2. He is the perfect gentlemen, totally excited about seeing you, pays for dinner, heaps you with compliments
  3. Begs you for a second date
  4. Calls, texts and emails often
  5. Emphasizes that he is a “relationship” type person and that he not looking for a fling
  6. Eventually gets you to sleep with him, then almost immediately
  7. You never hear from him again, just like Houdini he vanishes without a trace

Shades of gray exist with men like this, they don’t all follow that pattern exactly.  Some will check in after a few weeks, a month or several months have passed, with all sorts of excuses and explanations for why they disappeared post coitus.   And then of course there is Houdini light, where they disappear after a make-out session, or any sexual encounter short of actual intercourse.

What is going on here?  Are these men sociopaths?  Do they have borderline personality disorder?  More likely they are just immature, scared men.  They will say anything to get the prize they seek, and they usually just want sex.  I know men who have pulled variations of this scenario.  When I’ve asked them about it they tell me things like,

“I meant it when I was saying it”

As if somehow feeding a line of bull to a woman such as…

“I don’t sleep around, I want to have a committed relationship” or “I think we make a great couple”

Is OK because they meant it when it was coming out of their mouth.  Are you kidding me?

Other men have told me things such as

“Well I did mean it, but then once we had sex, it was so intense and I got scared….I realized I really didn’t want anything major”

So instead of telling you….

“Hey look, I don’t want anything major, I thought I did and I really meant it, blah, blah, blah…”

They will instead just blow you off, thinking that it is an easier solution that actually treating you with respect as a human being.

Some of these men will chase a woman for weeks, and feeding her lies date after date after date, and then POOF they are never heard from again.  I think it is a real problem in New York, because they can go right back to being anonymous immediately after the encounter.  They don’t share any mutual friends, they won’t run into the same woman without extreme effort and since they met the woman online it is easy for them to go back to the virtual world unscathed.  There are few consequences.  Sure some women might freak out, track them down, confront them and make a scene, or text them repeatedly, or hit speed dial for days on end.  But most of my friends who have been through this are so shocked, they usually don’t even know what hit them for days.  Making all sorts of excuses for why they haven’t heard from this new guy in their life they thought was so perfect.    For these men it is all about the hunt, and not about the collateral damage.

My friends who seemed to have survived these situations best, kept their dignity, maybe sent one harshly worded text, email or phone call, cut their losses and never looked back.  Freaking out in public is usually not worth the effort over these guys.  Although if you do find out that a would be lover is in fact married, living with someone or has a girlfriend, the best revenge might be to inform his partner.  In the long run you’re doing her favor.  This is dodgy though, as some people live in a state of willful ignorance about their partner.  She could turn on you, and then you would be a target of a crazed, angry and jealous woman.  I usually avoid these situations, but everyone’s different.  If the woman is a total stranger, you might just want to get the hell away from the situation. She’ll probably find out on her own anyway.  Most of these guys aren’t good about hiding their tracks.

What’s most pathetic is that most Mr. Houdinis don’t have to play this particular magic act.  Many woman past a certain age, are more than willing to have a casual sexual relationship with a man they don’t consider a boyfriend or a serious emotional partner.  It is all about honesty.  What makes these guys so insidious is their total lack of candor and transparency.

Some women do the same thing.  They act as if they care more about a man than they actually do, only to then cut them off like a dead limb on a tree when they land their conquest.  The worst type, of either gender or sexual orientation, are the emotional vampires.  Those who seek out to destroy existing relationships, simply to prove that they can do it.  They get off on the destruction and havoc they create.  Once they bed one of the partners, and leave ruin in their wake, they’re gone. For an emotional vampire it really is all about the hunt, and the biggest game is the prey that is already claimed by another hunter.

My only advice: proceed with caution.  If you have sneaking suspicion that you might be dealing with a man who will soon vanish…pull back, take time off from him and see how he reacts.  Ask blunt pointed questions.  Try to find out information about him online if possible.  With some of these guys there is little you can do.  Or you can decide to play the player, if you want sex and no commitment then go in, get what you want and leave.  The man might be shocked when you don’t freak out when he doesn’t call.  Personally I try to avoid these situations all together.  The sad thing is that if everyone was really honest about their intentions these scenarios wouldn’t happen.  When in doubt, never assume someone is genuine until they have given you sufficient evidence of their true nature.  Sadly some of the most earnest potential suitors are just players in a sweet boy costume.

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Dating Online – Mr. Online ONLY

Date: February 8, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 9 Replies
English: Cybersex

English: Cybersex (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The longer I have been single, the more I have come to realize that logic has about as much to do with dating as subtly has to do with holiday window displays.   Human beings just don’t act rationally.  Online dating has made this abundantly clear.

Mr. Online Only

  • Age – Any Age
  • Never married, divorced, anything goes
  • You NEVER actually meet them, so their whole profile could be a farce.

Mr. Online ONLY is exactly as his name describes.  For whatever reason, these gentlemen prefer to chat online, and will NEVER meet up with you.  They will instead:

  • Make a million excuses
  • Cancel right before the date
  • Stand you up
  • Arrive at the meeting place but not approach you, only later tell you that they showed up and got scared
  • Invent accidents, emergency situations etc. to excuse their behavior.

What causes this type of behavior?  I don’t really know but I have some ideas….

  • Suppressed homosexuality
  • Fear of rejection
  • Anti-social behavior
  • Unresolved issues with another relationship
  • Emotionally cheating on their spouse or girlfriend
  • An ego trip of keeping correspondence with several women at a time
  • Agoraphobia
  • Deep rooted insecurities
  • False representation – Their entire online identity is a ruse.

They will NEVER actually meet up, or physically see you.  What they would rather have is a fantasy they can play out in their mind as they type away. The first sign that you are dealing with an Online Only type: They avoid making time to see you, yet they want to maintain constant correspondence with you online. They push for emotional intimacy without any physical contact.  You might find it sweet or endearing, but in most cases the physical contact is never going to happen.  The online relationship is all they can handle.  If you insist on meeting up and some of these men will become defensive and even hostile.  Others will continually dodge the question, constantly making excuses.

You will never know

  • Is their profile information accurate?
  • Is the photo even of them?
  • Are they in a committed relationship or married and is this just one big game for them?

A recent article in New York magazine  discusses how some men have grown so used to virtual “relationships” with women in porn, that they become sexually dysfunctional when with the real thing.  A sad situation indeed.  Many Mr. Online’s will want to have cyber sex with you either over the phone, or through email or instant messaging.  Because they will never see you, this is the most you are going to get from a man like this.  Not exactly satisfying and you have no way of knowing what is actually happening on his end of the computer.  Is he showing your emails or messages to his friends for a laugh?  Is he publishing them somewhere on a blog?  Is he with another woman while talking to you online?  Since you don’t know, it is probably a bad idea to get into a situation like this.

I once had correspondence with a man I could tell was emailing several women at the same time.  I figured it out when he couldn’t seem to keep track of details or things I had written.  Finally I could tell he wasn’t actually reading the emails I sent him, at least not in full.  The whole endeavor was rather pathetic since my emails were so brief.  Even a full-page email is a few minutes worth of reading.  In his case I suspect, he maintained correspondence with multiple women to feed his inflated and fragile ego.  Once I figured this out, he became a bit of a joke to me.  Luckily that relationship never went any further than mildly flirtatious chats online.

What to do if you encounter someone like this online?  See the signs quickly and don’t take the bait.  There is a reason they refuse to ever meet you.  Their entire identity might be a complete fabrication. Cut them some slack but if the problem persists for an excessive amount of time, cut them loose.

Women also pull this trick, and it is often an actual scam.  The women will contact men, lead them on through promises of love and devotion, maybe even engage in some cyber sex only to eventually beg for money to come for a visit.  The man sends her the cash, and then waits like a fool at the airport for his dream girl who never arrives.  Some of these scams are so elaborate that the photo is of a model or even a stock photo, and the person on the other end of the emails is a man located in another country.   They call this one the lonely hearts scam.

Why would anyone put up with this for months in some cases years?  Virtual relationships aren’t entirely real.  A person we are chatting to online can’t hurt us in the same way a physical lover might.  At least that’s what we tell ourselves.  One viewing of the television show or film Catfish will show much heartache and pain when lovers discover their online romances were complete fabrications. Somehow we want to believe so strongly that a stranger on the other end of a computer is deeply in love with us and our perfect match.  The online version is a mirage, a fairy tale we tell ourselves.

I get about an email a day or several a week from men out-of-state, some from different countries.  I have gotten emails from Pakistan, Morocco, Spain, Germany, France, Ireland and on and on.  Why?  What woman would think starting correspondence with a man in another country would be a good idea?  After my divorce I trust little of what comes out of a strange man’s mouth, and sadly I check as much as I possibly can online.   How lonely does a person have to get to think that some man in a far off country, they have never met,  is the only man for them?  Rub the fairy dust out of your eyes and see reality.  There are available men and women everywhere.  Anyone trying to talk to you from a foreign country is probably up to no good.   Green card, scams, kidnapping…..whatever.  RUN!  If a man doesn’t want to see your lovely face, then he is not that man for you.  A virtual relationship is no substitute for a real one, don’t settle for a man online when you can have a man in real-time.  You’re much better off with the flawed and imperfect real man than a perfectly fictitious virtual one.

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Dating Online – Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual

Date: February 5, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, New York City
Comments: 4 Replies

My article about men that I have dubbed the “Wife Shoppers” was so popular, I thought I would keep it going with their counterpart….Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual. I have also called them “Player Light”

  • Age – Any age, but then tend to be younger…under 35
  • Marital Status – Most have never been married
  • Most have no children – although they come in all types
  • Usually attractive and in shape, but not always
  • Not liberal with compliments towards you in any way – This would give you too much power in their minds, so don’t expect a lot of praise or adoration
  • Emotionally distant

The Introduction – Early into the correspondence, or into the first meeting of “Let’s Keep it Casual” the man will lay his cards out on the table.  A technique that some of my male psychology books call….announcing the exit strategy.  The give you the endgame before the game has even started lines like

  • “I don’t get emotionally involved”
  • “I like to keep things casual”
  • “I am not looking for anything serious”
  • “I am really busy and I don’t have time to commit to one person”
  • “I like to date multiple women at the same time” – At least he is being honest, so if you are OK with that then go for it, just don’t expect it to change.
  • “My ex really messed me up, so I can’t bond with anyone on a deep level right now” – Sadly I’ve encounted a few men who just use this as a line.  Take this one with a grain of salt.

They are all basically saying the same thing.  Look, don’t even think about considering me boyfriend material.  I respect the bluntness and honesty, and they are laying the groundwork for when a woman might push for something more they will say, and mean it.

  • “Look, I told you where I stood before we even got together”

The Plan of Action – They might send a friendly text, always when they are already out, or available, usually in the evening or weekends asking What is up? They don’t ask personal questions, they don’t send personal emails of any length or importance.  Generally they don’t use the phone for anything other than text messages.  Most correspondence is just about getting sex when they want it, and on their terms. They are hoping that you will drop whatever you are doing, meet up with them.  They don’t have to take you out to dinner, or a movie, they don’t have to spend any real time getting to know you, they don’t have to spend any money on you except maybe a few drinks and they get sex when it is convenient for them.  I call them “Player Light” because unlike a player, at least they are fairly upfront an honest about their intentions.   So if you are open to a sexually based relationship with little else….these boys might be for you.

The reality though, is that these relationships rarely work out according to plan.  Now I have plenty of friends that openly live a polyamorous lifestyle of having several lovers scattered all over the city and they are perfectly happy with that situation.  Not everyone is happy in a traditional monogamous relationship, and they aren’t meant to live within the constrains of one.

What tends to happen, is that Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual might end up treating you like a low grade girlfriend.   If a situation like this goes on long enough, the man will ultimately start dumping his emotional baggage either before or after sex.  But he set up such rigid standards on the relationship, don’t expect that he’ll be as open to you doing the same.  Most women engage in soul purging all day long with their female friends so it isn’t exactly unheard of for a woman to treat a man, especially one they are having sex with, in the same way.  Human beings aren’t robots, and our brain chemistry alone goes a bit berserk after an orgasm, so it is natural to bond on a deeper level with a sexual partner, especially after a period of time.   So good luck on keeping things completely unemotional with Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual, unless of course you simply “tap it” a few times and then never again.

If the woman takes the initiative and actually dictates when they “hang out” then Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual might protest that they are being needy.   Because so many times, Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual is really just saying I want what I want, when I want it, and if you aren’t cool with that, then forget it.  It is a selfish and immature way of dealing with a partner of any kind.

The biggest trap when dealing with a man like this is the concept of the magical power of the vagina.  Many think their winning personality and great sex will somehow win a guy over and CHANGE HIM!  Sure this could happen, but it probably won’t.  If a man tells you right off the bat that they aren’t looking for anything beyond a sexual relationship, they probably mean it. He probably will never see you in a different light because you entered the situation with the cards stacked against you.    And just because he starts to bitch about his problems at work or how his ex-girlfriend never understood him, doesn’t mean you have won him over.   If you want a no strings attached sexual partner, these guys might be perfect for you.  But if you want something more….keep looking.

One of the main things that attracts me to a man is his intellect and point of view, so a Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual, really bores me.  They won’t allow me to get to know them on anything but a base carnal level.  So at least for a girl like myself, they don’t really stimulate me all that much.  I like to be intrigued by a man, on a deeper level than simply wondering when the next text message of “What’s Up?“ is going to arrive.  When they use text speck such as “Hey grl what U doing?  R U kk?”  It’s like a million cold showers all at once.  If you are going to try to hook up with me, at least write in full sentences and use proper English.

The other trap is that a man who is in serious relationship or married might seek a casual relationship in order to cheat.  They won’t want to bond with you, because they are just using you for sex.  This has nearly happened to me a few times, luckily I’ve always discovered the truth before I fell for it.

When I’ve found myself on dates with guys like this, I just think of my own exit strategies.  I might make them think they have a shot with me, as it just makes the date much more pleasant.   They don’t know the minute I hear a line like “I don’t get emotionally attached” I have already given up.  The only people I can think of that really don’t get emotionally attached are sociopaths…..and do I really want to date one of those?

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